In December 2011 I quit my job, ready to work on my start up company and full of life. End of January i ended up in ER with a cluster headache. It was not a first attack, and i was still on treatment for that. The ER doctor took one look at my eyes and asked when last i tested for HIV. I laughed and said few years ago when i was pregnant. She adviced me to do the HIV test together with some other tests that she required. I was confident, stupidily so, because I thought, not me. So i agreed to do the HIV test. Few days later i went for the results with my husband, and suprise, suprise, it was positive. Needless to say I was shocked.
My husband did the test too, another suprise for me, he was negative. I could not believe it. In my opinion this was unfair. He is the one who cheated, repeatedly, He is the one who would disappear for the whole weekend without A word. And he was clean. I was so sure that i got it from him, but he was clean. To this day I still wonder about this. I think i have accepted my status, but I still want to know where or how i got it. I know its irrelevant, but still …. I think maybe I am looking for someone to blame.
He is supportive, but he has asked me not to tell anyone about this. Not my friends, not my mother or sister, no one. i am not sure whether he is protecting himself or me, all I know is that I have never felt so alone and lost in my life.
I have lost interest in my company and now I am looking for another job, Way to mess me up HIV!
Thanks for the kind words. You know the funny thing is I have always been the one to profess that I would rather have HIV than cancer. I guess they are right when they say "Be careful what you wish for"
oh,
I can see why you want to know who gave you it, it almost feels like a closure and makes accepting it easier, i still feel it.
I REALLY think you need to tell your family, at some point, it will come out. And who ever is telling you not too, does not love or respect you or take what your going through seriously, in any case, it is you who has it, don't let anybody else tell you what you can and cant say, what a selfish person to say you cant (and you say he is supportive)??
Work, well I feel the same, It sounds like you need to know other HIV infected people to talk face to face with,
keep focused.x
This is a first time i am "speaking" to anyone about this, apart from my husband and my doctor. Actually i don't think I have ever said it out loud. May be i am listening to my husband because I still have not accepted it myself. I guess I need to work out my issues first. I am glad I found this group.