It has been just over a year now since I found out about my positive status… actually, September 17th was a year.
I have told my girls, and very few very close friends – people that I love, however, after a year, I still cant bring myself to tell my mom! Part of this is because she lives in SC and I live in MO and this just isn\'t something I want to tell her on the phone…it deserves a face to face. She was here for my daughters graduation in May, but that was their time and I didn\'t want to spoil it with my upseting news. Part of it is because she is 77 and while she is a very vibrant 77, I don\'t want her to worry about me – any more. See she has been through 3 failed marriages with me as well as my drug addiction and my recovery from that most awful time in my life, so now that I am doing "well" I don\'t want to worry her again. She is my rock and my biggest fan and without her I wouldn\'t have made it through so many bad spots in my life. Another part of it is that I just can\'t bring myself to tell her…I am not sure that if she were here right now I could do it…I think – my oldest daughter says it best – that I am not over the stigma of this disease. I didn\'t contract HIV because of my drug use – never shot up anything…it all went up my nose. I contracted this disease because I fell in love with a wonderful man who didn\'t tell me…I am not sure he knew actually. He was an alcoholic and had been with many women before me, however I can count on one half of one hand how many men I had slept with since my last divorce. He was sick all the time but WAY to stubborn to go to the doctor and of course we didn\'t use protection…oddly enough he found out he was positive just months before I did, but since I didn\'t tell him bye – we had long been broken up – when I moved, he didn\'t know how to contact me. I found out about his status when I told my best friend who still lives where I was. So why does this "stigma" still burden me? Many Many Many people attract HIV/AIDS through simply innocent ways – often not thought through (No protection) – but still innocent. I was in denial for the longest time…I took my meds every day, but I really just never talked about it – you know, if you don\'t talk about it, put a face on it, well then it isn\'t real, right? – well that was my way of thinking for pretty much this last year. My last doctor visit, it was great…everything is as it should be, my level is undetectable and so forth and so on…I seem to be healthy and have been since getting going with my meds, which only made it easier to be in denial…but then, I got into an argument with my girls over something stupid – the trash I think…anyway it was a freaking blowup! I absolutely fell apart! My oldest, in all her mindful wonderfulness, reminded me that there are stages that we go through…denial, anger, tears/fear, acceptance and moving on…something like that. She said that I had been increasingly moody and snappy this last couple of months. Thinks I have now moved into the anger stage…I pondered that for a while and discovered that she is right! I am angry! I haven\'t been with anyone for 3 1/2 years. I am too young to live out the rest of my life alone. I don\'t want to be alone – I want to share my life with someone special…to get all giddy when he\'s around – you know the drill. I want to feel something again. Just something! This brings me to the rest of this story!!!
Today, my youngest, who is 18 and completely in love and gonna be married sometime next year, took a pregnancy test – yep you guessed right, she is PREGNANT! I am so unbelievably excited…we hugged and we cried and we laughed and I felt that clear down in my toes… it was/is awesome. Her fiance\' is extatic too… so my question is this:
Now that I am gonna be planning for a grandbaby and a wedding probably all in the same year, will I continue to go through these stages of grief? I was on the phone with my mom today…told her she was gonna be a great grandma again and that we would have another addition to our family when they get married…we laughed and cried together and she is coming out for the birth then again for the wedding, which will be AGAIN not the time to drop this bomb on her…so once again, I am lost again in the solitude of being able to tell my mom the most important thing in my life to the fact that this is not my time…Its my daughter\'s time. I am lost in the solitude of sharing in her happiness while silently crying about mine. I want to move to acceptance…I want to not have this lingering fear in the back of my mind that changes everything about who I really am. I want to not be afraid to tell my mom – I want to quit finding excuses not to tell my mom…has anyone else felt this way? How do you deal with it?