My husband got a double hernia and hid it from me. For months. I should preface this with the fact that I had precious little self esteem to begin with. Months of me taking my extra long baths to shave my whole body and get dressed and prepped and smelling good – only to be rejected. Over and over again. He finally told me and went to a surgeon and had it repaired. Unfortunately, after he was fully healed up he still did not want to be intimate. Excuse after excuse until I no longer asked or even wanted to ask. By then I had started gaining weight. Maybe up to 50 pounds. NOT attractive I know. His equipment, I am happy to report, works as well as ever! He is quite virile and has no need for any little blue pills lol – at least as long as he is not looking at me.

I feel sure that to him I am hideous to look at and he cannot perform because of how disgusting my body has become. I do not blame him that the equipment will not function. I mean if he is not attracted to me then biology dictates the working parts will not function. I get it.

We had an argument last night. It was pretty heated but way overdue. We have let this issue go on for YEARS. Now we do not have a clue as to how to even begin to try and fix it. I tore myself open and left my heart on the floor as well as the last of my dignity and self respect when I told him that I actually went to a search engine and put in “When is a woman too fat to have intercourse?” And, yes anyone reading this, I really did. The last time we were together he was not able to sustain it. It seemed like when it got near me it disappeared. And again, yes, I just owned that to the world. I know I am overweight. I’m a muffin top and at my heaviest I was like 220. I’m not all that far from it now. I am 48 years old. My parts are sagging and some crepe skin is showing. Obviously I was speaking the truth when I said I had no dignity left!

There are a couple other GIANT elephants in the room that feed into all of this but I am not sure if it is okay to just purge like this so I will go no further.

Bottom line my brain 100% believes that I am too stupid, fat, and ugly for my husband to get a physical reaction. I do not want him to touch me now because I feel like it is a pity touch and it disgusts him. He says that this is absolutely not true. That he is attracted to me and does want us back. He also admits that his stupid lies years ago have led us to this place where I do not believe what he says. I believe I am hideous and disgustingly fat and stupid. I believe I am worthless and he is right that I do not believe anything he says now. A vicious cycle. I get that I need to do something to fix it.

So how can we possibly fix this??? We want to but have NO idea where to even start. We let this go on for too long. I have no one I can talk to about this. I’m terribly lonely especially in a room full of people. So, I thought I would give this a shot. Maybe someone will read it and at least have a good laugh. If not, at least I wrote it and talked to no one!