if only suicidal was an option up there, i would have clicked it. that's not what i want, but sometimes it feels like it's the only way out…. i know it's not though. it just seems and feels that way for me sometimes. this is going to be ridiculously confusing but i don't care because i came straight home and got online just so i can write so i don't do something horrible. yes, i'm that sick right now. i wish i could not be, but the truth is that i am. i don't mind it anymore, it's the truth and i can't hide it. it all seems so pointless.life right now seems soooo very pointless. i just wish none of it happened, i wish i would have never picked up that day last month. imiss my life ! i miss my house and my job and it all. i had another interview today…..  i got a job, just not the one i wanted. the interview was long and very personal. i got a job doing to go at applebees. he said he would have gave me a job as a server, but i seemed shy. i had to tell him i don't have a car and that i bum rides and take the bus…. he asked me where i lived…and how long i knew these people…and asked why i traveled so much…. i wish i could have just been like ok i'm a drug addict fucking hippie ok!!! I NOT ONLY DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAR, BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE A STABLE GOD DAMN PLACE TO LIVE SO JUST TELL ME TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!!!! lol but ipretended i was SHY!!  i'm not even close to being shy… i'm really deep down not anything anyone thinks i am. i am hiding because i'm scared. i don't want them to know…no one to know how confused i am and how i got this job making shit money and how i should just go to mc donalds and work because i can at least walk there….man, you'd think i'd be happy huh. no i hate society i hate it all. i want to run so far away off the planet. i start on sunday morning…a day after kristin gets home from rehab…and i don't even have enough money to buy my clothes for work… i'm not even sure if any of this is worth it? i feel like a piece of crapppp. i have been cleaning this house and allll blah and i'm so emotionally disturbed. i just want to go back to sleep. im supposed to go to a meeting here in a few, but i don't feel like people staring at me and i don't want to leave the house because the fuckers downstairs selling dopehave their door open? okkkkkkkk. i'm not exactly sure what im supposed to do anymore. god help me =(