Brittle
I was Brittle ancient glass.
Envying the Willows,
Who bow to Earth
When the Tempest blows.
I was no willow.
I wept at my false strength.
For the large flexible Boughs,
Stand tall after God’s Wrath.
My Fall was destined.
I was my own Prophet.
The breeze eventually passed,
And Billions of Pieces were scattered.
“Look within to find peace,”
Pious onlookers say.
But Brittle, then Broken,
Was all left of my Legacy.
Tiny, sharp, and Bitter;
What remained of me caused Pain.
Though crushed beneath Feet of Scorn,
I was no longer Brittle or Maimed.
Then the Daystar cried,
“All belongs to me!
You have not died,
You have Power you cannot See.”
I was blessed with Deep Sleep.
As years blinked by under many Moons,
Surfaces became Smooth.
My decay eventually produced Blooms.
I was Brittle ancient glass.
Envying the Willows,
Who bow to Earth
When the Tempest blows.
But now my Rebirth is a miracle,
Still here at Thirty-five!
I bathe in a spacious Sky,
No longer Brittle, but Alive.
I wrote this poem, "Brittle," almost 2 years ago after a severe bout of depression/mania due to my bipolar disorder. After a breakdown, suicide attempt, and a series of ECT treatments, I began to feel hopeful again. Since then, I've worked to get my life back on track and some of my poetry (including this one) and other short stories were published in an anthology released last year.
But Dec 4, 2010 was another turning point when I tested positive for HIV. The test was confirmed on Thur 12/9, and now I'm rebuilding and fortifying my spirit for this latest trial. I'm feeling "brittle" again, but my faith manages to survive and will yet thrive as long as I believe there is beauty and untapped potential left within my soul.
Thank you for posting this. You are not alone. I tested positive in the month of december Three years ago. Some days it feels like the first day, and other days not so much. But I will tell you one thing.
This is a battle that you will never be alone in. We are in it with you. I may not have all the sage advice that others who have been dealing with this longer than I have. But I do know this. Don't loose hope. There is a guiding light already in place just for you.
All you have to do is reach out for it. We are right here with you. Together we can do this. You do not have to face this alone. Reach out. Many of us will hold your hand as others have held ours during this battle. Keep the hope alive, and remember. You are Alive.
V/r,
Doogie