By any standards, by any means, it would seem my life is all wrong. mentally I am all wrong. but as time goes by, as I grip each aspect, one by one, I think, perhaps it isn't me that is wrong, but that I do not fit the mold of the norm. For relative to other standards albeit minority, I am fine, perfect even.

my mental problems are unnecesary. the way I am made, I am a tad different. my mental problems are due to the stress of me fitting in which obviously due to my unique make up, I would never be part of the norm. not for too long. intensely in, then out again.

When I realized this, I decided to live with who and what that I am , even that I am in the process of discovering, and separating what's me and what's simply learned bad behaviour and learned rules that are unsuitable for me.

 you could say I live a very aware life. or when it is off, it becomes over analytical. anal, people call it. there are somethings that can be analyzed to death.

 because early in life I have chosen the path less travelled, so when I walk the path, where few walk, sometimes I lose my confidence. when I lose confidence, I start to doubt and be afraid. then the problems start, till I get a hold of myself again, take a look at the situation, and make a reset.

I have learnt to live what is right for me. yes I am most of the time frightened. I need people's reassurances. but because people tend to be of the majority, their reassurances tend to need me to stay within their norms. which for me is unacceptable. so you see, I was caught never here, nor there.

 but little by little, I learnt to tweak a little something, look at the results, look at me still standing and the world has not fallen apart, so I take more tweaks, each time the cycle repeats, to see if my world would fall apart. usually it doesn't but the doubter me, always fears the falling apart, even if it doesn't happen.

I have done so much tweaking that somewhere the build up is so much that a cascade happens. the tipping point occured, and huge changes availed. even that was scary. you know, anything new and unfamiliar , even if it is good and better, is freakin scary to me. it takes a lot for me to say no to the better the devil I know.

slowly I began to discover my life, the reason for my life, or at least to make a reason for it and all things become better. I sit right at the turning point, where the good stuff happens and I accept them, yes, I do become suspicious when good things happen to me. usually i wave them away. tell me that I am a mental  for doing that !

 I discover the gifts and talents that are me. and how because I have these things, I have to live my life with them. (x-men helps !)

outsider, never fitting in, different.

 the thing is, I never wanted to be same like others. well, I was told, becareful what you ask for ! I got exactly that !!!

because also I had said, I wanted my life to be useful for others, pressure cook me if needs be so that wisdom does not come to me when I am a doddering oldie, without the strength to make use of the wisdom gained. and got cooked I did. geez, and it had been no fun at all.

have I gotten what I wanted? yes. I have gained much insight. I am sitting at the point where I have much of a breather. a long restful period, after all those trials and tribulations. see I figured, if I had to suffer and go through those terrible times, i wouldn't mind it so much if it was for good. so no, I don't mind them. the life in front of me won't be so hard now. in fact, only  a fraction. only thing that I would call hard, would be I am still afraid of new things. and because of the way I live my life, it is always new, for anything I discover or focus my attention to be worked on, it is dealt with and I am different. for the way I see things, the way I approach things.

so I walk in perpetual fear and some doubt, even though I close my eyes and do it anyway. and on days when I am clear and I remember, I walk forwards peacefully. otherwise trembling and all I go ahead, all things still happen, so all is good.

most of the hard work I have had to do with my life, is to work on my intangibles. I have before wondered, it would be easy if the problem was visible. for example, something broke, glue it, fix it. but of the mind, the psyche, these are all fleety floaty things, so intangible how does one do that. strangely, I began to get a hang of it. it actually is possible.catch the tail end of one, any one, just catch one, grip it firmly, square with it, talk to it and get a reason for its existence. and then it no longer has the reason to exist, and it would leave me alone.

so, one by one that was what I did. I think catching the flea with a magnifying glass would be easier than catching the mental stuffs. but it is doable and I begin to get the hang of it.