So right now I’m unemployed and at home.
Throughout my school and uni days I did everything that was required, all the clubs, school council, student ambassador, volunteering, industry workshops, internship, and graduated with a 1st class degree, I wasn’t just grades orientated, I have hobbies and experiences, travel, food, writing. I’ve never really known what I want to do so I chose a basic path and lay the foundation. But I feel like I was in a bubble all that time, and now I’ve been dropped into the real world the bubble has burst.
I don’t know what to do. I’m losing confidence. Except for a few times I haven’t tried so hard in my applications. Being ignored, rejected and failing a few interviews has hit me. I started to doubt myself and don’t think I qualify for those jobs, I don’t think I’m good enough. But it’s so hard, it was hard accepting this and coming to terms with it, I avoided it and ran away but the thought was always with me. I love myself, I care about myself, I want myself to do well, I want to be ambitious, I want to succeed… but I just am not good enough. And this isn’t me pitying myself, I feel like this is just the reality. And I’m scared of trying and trying again and failing. I’m scared of giving this up and trying something new and never achieving that goal too. I’m scared of the wasted time and the lost opportunities.
I’m scared. I avoid things. I feel less and less in control of myself, my emotions and my situation. I just let the days pass and then regret not doing anything, then tell myself it’s okay and I’ll do it tomorrow, and then tomorrow comes and repeat. I’m scared of never making it.
I act like I’m okay. I don’t dare show how I really feel to my family. If I say one word I feel like I’ll break down, and if I show them this side of me there’s no taking it back. It’s getting harder to hold on.