I really need help, i dnt know what im going to do. Im so frustrated with everything lately i havent been able to stop thinking about my ex boyfriend who broke up with me almost 2 years ago, its been hell 4 me since then. It feels like part of me is missing like im stuck in a hole that i cant get out of because i still have strong feelings 4 him.I know 4 a fact that he doesnt love me or cares for me anymore because he told me himself, i strongly believe that he never did but stupid me made the mistake of falling madly in love with him, only about a month or so after we broke up he was already trying to get with some other girl. I feel very stupid for having feelings for such a narcissistic asshole which he is and has always been but i just cant help it, apart from still loving him i really hate him i hate him with a passion and i know that it doesnt make very much sense but thats really how i feel. A while back i was really able to control myself for some strange reason, and i say strange because a good portion of the time i dnt have any control of my thoughts whatsoever. But its like a cut that just never heals because i just start to think about him again. Apart from that i think alot about my friend Nicole who commited suicide in November of 2008 a few months after my break up so it was kinda like adding fuel to the fire because i was still in a lot of pain over my ex, the death of Nicole really traumatized me especially because she was so young 14 yrs old, she was like a little sister 2 me especially because she knew my pain, she knew what it was like to suffer through bipolar disorder which is what ultimately made her take her life. A lot of people ask me, "why do u dwell on your past so much?" and the answer is, everything that's happened to me in my past was so painful that its unforgetable to me, as hard as i may try i cnt stop thinking about it, its full of so much pain that im just stuck there just wishing that i could change everything thats happened. I remember when i first started dating Cameron (my ex) my mother warned me not to let my emotions take control of everything else like my common sense because even though i was only 17 at the time i was known to be very smart and have alot of common sense, apart from that she also warned me not to do anything i would regret, unfortunately my emotions got the best of me and i did something that i really regret now (most of u probably know what im talking about). A month after that happened he split and i fell to pieces, 4 weeks later i started to get morning sickness and soon found out that he left me a little gift. It was terrifying to find that out because i was only 17 and me and him had already been broken up for 2 months, i didnt want to dissapoint my parents because they always thought i was so smart and responsible and my older sister had gotten pregnant when she was 17 also. Going back i remember that when we were together he always told me that he loved children and really wanted to be a parent, but one day i asked him what he would do if i got pregnant and he told me he would want me to have an abortion, which really confused me. About a week after i found out i gathered the courage to call him and tell him about the baby but after hearing his voice i hung up because i got scared, after that i decided that i wasnt going to tell him at all. It was crushing but i knew how he was and i though he would either deny the child or not care at all. About 3 weeks later i started bleeding and had very bad pains in my abdomen, when that happened i just got a very intense feeling of dread, my mother had no idea that i was pregnant and i didnt intend on telling her so i called a friend to take me to the hospital, where the doctor informed me that i just had a miscarriage. For a few minutes i was very silent really didnt show any emotion because it was all just sinking in but after that i burst into tears, i was very heart broken but at the same time i was sort of relieved not because i didnt care for the baby or anything but because i realized that my failed relationship with it's father would've probably made his or her life hard, also i was too young, young and stupid i might add. Also i didnt really want anything to do with him anymore and this child would tie us in some sort of way for the rest of our lives. In a way it was a relief but for the most part i was devastated. Even until this day i think about that baby i dream about it, in my dreams its always a little boy which makes me think that if the baby would've had a chance to live it would be a little boy :-). Even to this day ive never told Cameron that i was carrying his baby once, my family doesnt know either and i dnt plan on ever telling them.So as u can see ive been through so much pain and heartbreak over the past 2 yrs or so and i want to move on, i want to leave the past in the past but im stuck.

2 Comments
  1. nelson 11 years ago

    Permit me to share with you my experience of the past and how you can let the past past in your life and face the present because what matters now is the present and let the past be the past because firstly you can never turn back the hands of time and furthermore the past can not come back except for what you are doing to yourself making your past be your worst enemy instead of allowing the past disengage from your life.

     I once had a girl friend i love so much called anita and i love her so much to the extent that i forgot my identity and started to wear her own identity but unknown to me that when you focus all your attention on human needs and ephemeral pleasure it will hurt you.

     She left me when the momentum was very high and i nearly lost my life because i would meet her in the public kneel and beg her to accept me back into her life but she will push me off calling me all sorts of name and insulting me infront of her friends and even my friends.

     I became so empty that i was looked upon as a losser and somebody who cannot hold a good relationship.

     But one thing happened in my life i resolve one day to let the past be the past in my life after reading a very positive book by vincent norman pearl the plus factor.

     I started to invest in my self esteem , i read lots of book and made sure i took her picture out of my heart by getting so busy whenver it flashes through my heart.

     I did it countless time and before i could say jack robbinson her thought was gone out of me and i began to get my groove back.

     I became so successful working on my self esteem that many people started coming close to me and wanting to have me as friends,girls,boys and so many of them even her own close friends wanted to have a piece of me that is when it dawned on her that i was now a changed man and a very strong one with so much principle.

     She came to my house one day to see if we could work something out crying and i told her my honest and sincere opinion that i have moved on and would never dwell on the past anylonger.

     Move on and stop hurting yourself because you are making your boyfreind happy and laughing at you if he continues to see you as a reck but when you shape your life back and pick up your pieces you will impress him and other and they will respect you for life.

     Stay blessed

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  2. waterlovesdratini 6 months ago

    Marta, I am really amazed at how much you have gone through at so young a age. It must have be really hurting and scary for you. Hang on. Trust that “this too shall pass”. A lot of times we are stronger than who we think we are, and we firmly believed that we will never pass through it. We cannot see how we are able to… but one day at a time if we hang on, just simply hang on, something might change. Give time some time, give your inner self some time, it needed time to process, to feel the anger, to feel the hurt, to feel the confusion and unfairness of life… things just shouldn’t be this way, yet it has… only then can you think a little straighter.. All the best, trust that you can throw all your thoughts here and let them be.. need not censor, need not hide… Jia you!

    (Jia you means add a oil, the word comes from ancient China, where a government officer ordered his man to walk around the town, if they see anyone studying, they will add a cup of oil for them, so that they can study a little longer. So Jia you. Add a little oil so that you can last a little longer..)

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