Hmm. it's after 2 am & i'm the only one in the house who is awake. i am sore all over, i'm not sure why. i have a headache.

so my grandpa went in the hospital the other night. he has trouble breathing, but it was so much worse than usual. they took all this fluid off of his lungs & stabalized his heart & breathing. he's ok now & might come home tomorrow. he told my grandma "i felt like i was going to die, i still think i'm gonna die" & she said "you're not going to die, i won't let you" that made me want to cry. 🙁 i don't know how much longer he's gonna last, i just hope he can be at my wedding. i hope danny's grandma can be there too, she just turned 85 this year.

it's weird how at times i feel so overwhelmed & that i have too many things to worry about. then at the same time i feel that i have barely anything going on in my life & it's blah. what's amazing though, that i don't exactly consider myself to have an anxiety "disorder" anymore. anxiety still causes problems in my life & it's an obstacle i need to get past in a lot of ways. but it doesn't control my life anymore. i'm not trapped inside a cage, i am starting to live my life. 🙂

i need to get a job. why is it so hard for me to take steps toward that? my fiance said he would go into places with me to get applications. still..it's just hard…but i'm getting married in a year, so i want to save some money for the wedding. also i'm going to need to have one after we're married.

i need to go to bed. i just have so much on my mind. guess i'll try…