**WARNING:  POSSIBLE TRIGGERS**

Well, could it simply be a matter of needing something i just can’t seem to grasp, for now?  something that i need to fill a specific hole inside my heart?  something i never even had, maybe?  am i that freakin broken that i just can’t see the forest for the trees?  WTH is wrong with me????  i have been trying to find a place–some place–not quite ANY place, but close enough–to relocate to, within the next few weeks.  i reach out and try to find out information, only to be struck with the depressing costs.  Limited income–disability–is really a huge barrier at times.  It’s almost like a built-in blockade, of sorts.  *sigh  Then, you continue to hit all the freakin bumps in the seemingly-bumpiest road in history!  Which, in turn, creates further anxieties and insecurities….  Leading to the overwhelming desire to grab a blade–dull, sharp, big, small–no matter.  Pain would only increase the ‘feeling’ of accomplishment, especially if real damage were done.  *sigh  Thoughts…Thoughts that lead to huge urges….Urges that lead to actions, at times.  The actions are those which create unsightly scars and deep wounds that you can’t come back from.  *sigh  Why is this the main goal, every time i feel threatened by some new or harder-than-normal issue???  i know it’s not normal behavior.  It seems like an endless cycle.  So, of course i wanna give up.  i already don’t feel worthy of any sort of life…And, to constantly receive the disappointments and set-backs that constantly fall into my lap, the urges become all the more prevalent.  The attitude i keep getting from my grandson’s other grandfather (not my ex), makes me feel he’s ready to give up guardianship of my grandson, to my ex.  Once that happens, there will be no coming back.  None of us will ever be able to see/spend time with Gabe.  Don’t they understand that?  Does anyone ever listen to me?  i “lived” with these…individuals for more than 20 years!!!  The threats, the insults, the physical damage–why can’t anyone hear me?????  So, of course i feel like giving up, constantly.  i’m so tired of trying…trying to help…trying to make some sort of difference, to someone/anyone…trying to get better?  wtf for?  just feel like my entire life, thus far, has been one HUGE waste of time, efforts and energy!!!!  People claim to care and give a care.  *sigh  It just so happens:  most people who claim that, just really don’t.  People seem to be more talk than action.  Whatever happened to “put up or shut up”???  Whatever happened to being a ‘man of your word’??  What does someone’s word mean?  It used to mean something important.  *sigh  Oh well…

4 Comments
  1. samarkand 3 years ago

    Oh @delane1, I know it’s no help to you but I totally understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling. It sounds like I am dealing with some of the same issues in a very similar way to you, and like you I just want it all to stop. I too know the lure of the blade and have the scars to prove it. I’m treating it like an addiction (which in a way it is) these days and so far, so good with the cutting, although I am relying on less obvious ways to self harm to gain some feeling of control/escape from the emotional struggle and pain. I hope that your grandson stays with his current guardian. I wish they would listen to you. I’m sorry that I cannot offer you more than words. I would love to have you as a friend in the real world… spending time with you would motivate me to leave the house and face the world. We could commiserate and cry on each other’s shoulders and maybe even have a laugh together too. Take care and trust that this too will pass. Consider yourself HUGGED.

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  2. Author
    delane1 3 years ago

    Thank you, my friend. ***hugs***
    i can definitely understand where you’re coming from, too. Please, t/c of yourself!

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  3. ucfdarkknight 3 years ago

    I loved the Minions “Heck Yes, I’m female” you posted

    I’m sorry about all the things you go through. You’re a stronger person than I am, because I know I wouldn’t be able to go through everything you are and have gone through. Yet, you’re still here. You should be proud of that.

    I wish I could say more, but I’m struggling today. I just wanted to show you my support

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  4. Author
    delane1 3 years ago

    My friend, feel free to drop me a message here, or wherever you need to–NO worries!
    i know you’re always in my corner, just as i am in yours! ***hugs***

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