Well, how is your Christmas going? Mine…pretty lame. It is my first Christmas holiday I am spending without ANY family, or “long-time” friends. I guess everyone goes through this at one point in the life, or another. I mean, I did have a very delicious & fun dinner with some “new” friends (“new”=only known them for 3 weeks or less). It was an all day thing. I enjoyed myself and got contentedly full. But, anyways, its just not the same…if you know what I mean. I sort of celebrated Thanksgiving 2006 almost exactly the same way. Only, I ended up going over to my friend Lindsey’s home, though, to eat with her and her sister. However, the main difference in that is I’ve known Lindsey for well over 2.5 years. Gosh! I just feel so extremely depressed. A “new” friend of mine, Dan, who has been a really kind and generous friend to me, since we’ve met eachother, has invited me to go to the movies with him and another “new” friend, Jon. But, I refused to go. I guess I just dont want to attend…I plan on spending the entire day alone…perhaps just treat it like its an ordinary, average day. I know you probably think that I should go ahead and hang out with them, but I dont really think I would like to. Ill probably end up just cooking something and watching TV. Sounds really warm, and holiday spirited…doesnt it, huh? Whatever, its my choice! I would like to be able to go to church…but there arent any church functions happening…and I wouldnt have a ride to one if there was something going on…since I dont drive and I dont know anyone that attends church. My step-mom and adopted sister went to Pahrump, where most of the family lives. I dont care, I know they are enjoying themselves, so all is fine. Its not their fault I thought I wouldnt be able to attend the 9 hour trip. (Pahrump is an hour away from Las Vegas, so I average out about 9 hours to drive there from here: Fort Huachuca) I thought “wrongly” that I would be required to work this week, since I just barely started working at this Buffalo Wild Wings location. But, Im not even listed on the fricken schedule!!! Fuck that shit! Oh well…
*sighs* I dont know why I am feeling so depressed. It just hit me all of a sudden. I never saw it coming my way. Ive actually gotten to the point where I put a stop to it, before becomes entirely too strong. It surprises me that it just arrived all at once. I dont know if you understand what I mean by that…*shrugs*. So, I guess Im bipolar…so what?!?! Everyone has something thats wrong with them. I may not like it, but I gotta deal with it. Ive been, actually, to be quite honest, thinking of dark, unhappy thoughts. I actually drank like ALOT of Vodka 3 nights ago…and I have never even had or took a sip of hard, straight liqour before then. Hmph! I think that I need to get back on some meds…Im really starting to feel like Im losing control of every single things, and that my life is so hopeless, helpless, and a lost cause. Argh! Whatever…
Well, I guess this blog has had two purposes…
1: To express my disappointment in how my Christmas is turning out this year, &
2: To let out my feeling of depression (perhaps its a cry for help…?)
I think Im about done and ready for bed. Last night I slept horribly, I actually fell asleep thinking of suicide and how I could go about doing it (with the least amount of pain), and then my dream-state was all fucked up. Hopefully Ill just fall asleep much more easier this time, I dont know. You know, I dont think I could ever commit suicide or harm myself on purpose, Im too much of a chicken…and I have a philosophy on life:
You go through situations, occurances, and experiences in life that can (at first) make you feel shitty and bad, but in the long run, eventually you will turn into a much more strong, wise, wholesome individual.
Im going through (whatever Im going through) for a specific reason/purpose…even IF I dont know what the lesson is going to be at this present moment.
As they say…
This Too Shall Pass…
