so late at night is because I can’t get this guy off of my mind. The thought of his sensual caresses, his sweet kisses, his loving touch, his soft spoken words in my ear, his gentle hugs, his warm body against mine…all our memories that keep popping into my mind as each moment I lay there, waiting to fall asleep. I loved him so much…he was the absolute world to me. With him I was never afraid of anything. I had the strength and courage of facing the harsh world. All I needed to feel safe was to know that he was standing there, right by my side. I loved him with my entire heart. I would have devoted all my days of my whole life to him, and him only. I could have been there for him when times were fun and care-free, and also when times were rough and rocky. To him I would have given up everything, just so that he would be happy. If I could have flown to outerspace to lasso the moon and bring it down to earth, just so that he could have it…I would have. Anything he wanted, I would have made sure he got…
**So, whats the problem?**
I no longer have him…I no longer know him…I no longer see him, hear him, feel him, taste him, touch him…I no longer am with him.
**And why, if HE was SO perfect?**
I was the one that was stupid, the one that didnt think about it, the one that acted as an idiot, the one that purposefully ended the blissful relationship with the true soul mate of my life; with the one that will forever own my heart.
**But, how did this happen?**
It happened at the end of February 2007. One day I just so happened to open my mail and notice that my finances were so out of wack…that I needed to do something drastic, or else I would be out on the streets. Because, somehow, the paycheck I had gotten that month didnt quite equal the amount I owed my billers. I knew that I would not be able to make ends meet, and had no clue of how else to work it out. And, since living in Vegas for well over 3 years (at the time), I knew all about the different sorts of options that were available for a young female-as myself. So, needless to say, I explored the options. I invited the man of my dreams, the keeper of my heart, my soul mate: Dominic Keshin Oakley, to my home. I told him what I had decided on doing…and swore that this was the best option for me at the time. Although he told me to not worry about things, and just to come move into his home, so that he can take care of me…I told him that this was what I had decided. I said that I was an independant woman, and dont enjoy the feeling of depending on someone. He told me not to let the wicked and evil ways of Vegas suck me into the dark blackness, but I told him it was too late. I also told him if we were meant to be, after things were finally situated and working out well again, that we would be back together.
**How did you feel afterwards?**
How much more stupid and hurtful could I have been to him? Why on earth cant I ever listen to a person, and think about all my consequences of my actions before I do something? What the bleak was I thinking…that I would rather have money than true love? Who the flip do I think I am…thinking that a guy would ever want to get back with me, a girl that broke up with him just to become a “1-night-standing lover” to millions of dirty, sick, filthy perverted men? Little did I know how I would soon feel once my short moment of fun-and-games would end. I never could have guessed how hurt I would be on the inside once all the wild partying would end. I am in so much frickin pain right now, and nothing seems to soothe it! I am remined each and every single day of how stupid I was to have let him slip right through my fingers and palm.
**What have you done?**
I have tried to cover up the pain and angst of a lost true love, by getting with another man. I thought that I would be able to forget and move on, just because I had someone else in my life again. That, perhaps, preoccupying my mind would work for me. I even got engaged to the guy, for goodness sake…But, oh no!!! Sure, he may have distracted and delayed my true, deep emotions…but in the end it all caught back up with me. (And, with all said and done, the other guy ended up getting his very own heart broken because of my own thoughtlessness, once again!) I have tried thinking about other things besides Dominic, but I wind up thinking about something that leads me to remembering some sort of a special, shared moment with him. I have tried to make myself feel other pains (such as hunger) so that I would only focus on the current pain, rather than the pain of my broken heart. Although it would help conceal it for a while, I couldn’t stop thinking about the reason WHY I was experiencing something so extremely painful/uncomfortable. That was because I didnt want to feel my deep emotions, thats lies within my soul.
**What are people saying?**
Gosh! There is no denying the fact that I constantly think of him, and that he is, indeed, always on my mind…weather I conciously know it or not. Many family members and friends have told me that he has been long gone, that I will never hear from him ever again. They say it has been 9 months, and its time to finally pick up the remains of my heart, and move on with my love life. They continuously tell me to give up hope, and become more realistic…I think its as though they are, in their own way, atempting to bring me back to some sort of reality. Everyone says that they believe he has already forgotten about me, long ago, and that he has most likely fallen in love with some other female…But I dont care what anyone says or tells me. Do they know him? Have they spoken to him? Do they have proof of all that they claim has gone on since him and I have broken up? The honest answer is: NO!!! Nobody knows what has happened, nobody has the “real and actual” truth. They only say these things to try and help me…yet, it actually seems to make all matters so much more worse. I refuse to give up on a love that I know is honestly pure and real. I know that I love him, and I know that he loves me…or at least, once I find him, I can help him reopen his heart and rediscover the love he once had felt for me!
**How do you feel about what they say?**
Many people that have a close relationship with me, and know me well enough to feel comfortable saying certain things, tell me that I am only wasting my precious time…that I am losing out on all the good things life has to offer. They keep telling me that the guys that surround me could bring me so much joy and happiness, if only I were to let go of Dominic. They always say I need to just be willing and able to open my eyes and allow myself to be emotionally-available to a new relationship. I just want to scream (LOUDLY) at them and tell every single person to shut-up and leave me alone! They dont know how I feel inside, they cant see into the future, and they definetly dont know if Im actually wasting my time or not! This is my life, if I want to spend it wasting time, just waiting for the moment that will bring Dominic back into my life, then I will do just that. So what if others can brighten up my life…I know that, overall, I am going to wish that the guy was Dominic. Im just not ready to let go…cant anyone understand?
**What do you feel inside?**
I cant even begin to explain exactly how I feel inside…its as though my chest is caving in on me and I am sufforcating from extreme pain and hurt, that I will never be able to get rid of. I feel like screaming inside, and ripping my heart out of my chest, so that this painful angst will finally let me be at rest and feel comfort once again. I just want to squeeze out all the tears that keep on flowing out of my two eyes, and finally come to a peaceful stage, where I am able to feel bliss and happiness once again. I know it sounds as though I want to remain in this sort of emotional state, or at least until Dominic comes back into my life…but that is not the case at all. If only I could feel entirely happy, and never have to worry about feeling this painful sadness that dwells inside of me…seemingly there all the time, weather I admit it or not. All I want is to be with Dominic, again…to know that I have him back in my life and will keep him for all of eternity.
**How do people react?**
People who claim to care about me tell me that my feelings and emotions (that I know I have for Dominic) are probably just wishful and fake. They think that I feel a love for him that is unreal, and that over time I have made him out to be perfect…that is by some chance I were to see him again, I would notice his flaws and know that I dont really love him. What the freak? Are you kidding me here? How on earths name are you going to tell me that what I am feeling is imaginary or not? Do you feel what I feel? Do you cry yourself to sleep almost every single night of the week? Who the heck do you think you are…ME?!?! I dont think so! So, why dont you just butt the freak out of my so-called love life, and let me deal with it the way I deal with it, on my own!!! I know I love Dominic Keshin Oakley with all my whole entire heart, and there is no way that someone is going to say that I feel otherwise!!! I know my love runs deep and true, and that, no matter what anyone says about the way I feel, my feelings are actual, honest, and unfaltering.
**What do You think?**
Sure, I understand where people are coming from when they tell me I am wasting time just waiting around for some sort of a miraculous miracle to happen and bring me my soul mate back…but, I seriously, really do NOT care! I know that I am almost 21 years old-in just about a little over 2 months-and that most females are pretty much getting married at this age. (Or, at least within only a few years-give or take) But, why should I care what other females are doing? (Its not like I ever follow the trend with anything in life) It would be completly insane to give up on a genuine, real and true love (when Im not fully ready to), and try to move on with someone else, so that I wont be close to 40 by the time I have my first child. Which, I doubt that would happen, but…I mean, what happens, upon getting married and starting a new family all of my own, by some cosmic force/chance and awesome strike of pure luck, Dominic comes back into my life? Shouldnt I have to be expected to remain married and true to my then-husband and lover, and just shoo away Dominic? Now, thats what the problem would be, I know what I SHOULD do in a situation like that, but I also know what I WOULD end up doing. What I would do if that were to happen to me would be to just up-and-leave everything I knew at the time, and run off with Dominic. Uhmm, come on now! Ive been waiting all my life, up until that point, for him to show back up? What else would you expect me to do? Remember…I only got married because I was forcing myself to finally try to move on, when I knew deep down, that I wasnt ready to attempt to move on just yet. Even though I would feel terrible about my decision (because I would be hurting my then-husband), that is what I know I would do (so I would be able to be completely, and utterly, happy again)…at least, that is, right at this very moment in my life.Now, Im not saying that I will always be stuck on him, and waiting for that miraculous day to actually happen…but for right now, I know that that is how I am currently feeling. So, why-if thats how I feel I would handle the wishful situation-would I even consider getting involved in another relationship with some other person? All it would eventually do, in the overall end, would hurt the person (unintentionally, but also inevitably).
**The wish to come true**
My heart yearns to be reunited with my lover: Dominic, if only for just one more day…of course, I would definetly want it to last for all of eternity, though! But, if I could only come across him (or someone that knows him), I would no doubtedly convince him that the mistake I made in Feb will never, ever have a thought of happening again…and that the love we once shared mutually, together, could be felt and shared again!
So, until that very day comes of being able to be with Dominic again…or until I am ready and able to let go of him and move on with my love-life, here’s to the day that I will, hopefully, eventually come face-to-face with him once more!
I love you Dominic Keshin Oakley!!!