Sleep is unattainable. Remembering the last time I slept for more then a few minutes at a time is a far off memory. Instead I vividly remember the nights without sleep, the nights I doze off just to wake up bawling, the nights I cry without ever drifting off.
Work was horrible. So much on my mind. So many issues. I hate that I'm back there. I hate that my life that I loved so much weeks ago is gone. I hate that the world around me shatters a little more every time I blink. But I have no choice. I have to find a way to pay rent within just 10 days. I'm 550 short right now. That's a lot.
I wait on my first table. As I walk away I hear them… Regular customers… "She's the nicest waitress they have ever found & always so happy & smiley." I just kept walking. I wanted to turn around & scream. To ask how the world is so blind that they can't see I'm dying inside, that my eyes are forever swollen, that I'm the fakest person they have ever met. Yet, I smile. I hold back the tears & I pretend I'm the fake person everyone wants me to be. By hour 13 I couldn't fake it anymore, I was sad, lonely, depressed even more. Seeing all these happy people come in, all these happy couples.
Wishing I could be that person. I watched a man, drinking in the bar, get a phonecall. I watched him take this call. I watched as he learned from his wife that they were taking his son off of life support & he would be gone. He hung up the phone, he shook & he got another drink. Why can't I drown my pain like him?
My BF is gone. He's moved out. We can't move with him for 9 months. So much can change in that timeframe & I'm terrified. I'm terrified of the what ifs. I love him too much. I can't handle the pain I feel with him gone. I feel so empty. I feel like the only person in the world I had to lean on is gone. I feel like I'm missing a huge piece of me. How will I survive 9 months? Will it get better then these first few days? Will it get worse? I don't know. Now I'm all alone in a town I know nobody. I have no friends, I have no help, just me & two little boys against the world. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm sobbing at the thought.
And my exhusband is dead. Again, will I ever get over that? His mom sent me an email today. I was already depressed. The email sent me over the edge. She's so lost without him. She told me of her feelings & I realized something… I'm not strong enough to shoulder my own pain, how can I help anyone else. I always try to help, to be there. Maybe I've tried too hard. Maybe that's part of the problem. I don't know anymore.
I just want to snap my fingers & make everything disappear. I want to wake up & realize this is all a bad dream. I'm tired of feeling so empty, alone, numb. I feel like I'm emotionally dead. All that's left is tears.