I am in an intensive outpatient program that meets 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. They also assigned me a male therapist. He is on vacation so I have to ask if I will be able to meet with him this week. I've never had a male therapist before. He seems kind of weird to me. He is a man of of few words and my first meeting with him last week was awkward. He asked me about what my goals were…..my mind went blank.

I had a therapist before going in the program and the last time i saw her se came up with all thse homework things to do that were weird and she kept telling me i was "over emotional" and when i asked her if i was a challenge she threw her head back and rolled her eyes. This lead me to not want to go back to her when i am done with the treatment program in 5 weeks. She also kept changing when i would see her. First it was twice a week for 50 minutes, then once a week for an hour and a half. When i last saw her before going to IOP she said "when you come back i want you to come twice a week again for 50 minutes. Its like she doesnt know what to do with me. It made me uncomfortable. I tried to call her and was napping when she called me back. I want to find a new therapist at the place i am getting treatment from.

They have one woman therapist who takes medicare. So, i have a goal to check that out this week. However, i have to have closure with my present therapist who thinks i am coming back when i am done.

Part of me thinks i am being too picky….that i should go back…..yet the people i have talked to have validated that not seeing her anymore is a good idea.

I don't look forward to starting over with another therapist but I gotta take care of myself…..so i keep trying.

I feel sad that i am such a "challenge" to treat. I'm just me trying to get better.

I see my doc who will probably up my antidepressant to a therapeutic dose tomorrow. This could work or not because i also have bipolar and the cymbalta could make me manic…..then i would be back to square one.

All these changes…..I am afraid they wont work. However, everything has worked out so far….I'm still alive and sober. I have so much to be grateful for and i know it in my head…..it just isnt registering in my heart.

I guess I need to keep the faith about everything. Its overwhelming. I need to break it down to one minute and one thing at a tme. Trust that I havent been brought this far to be forgotten by The Universe.

In addition, I keep trying to log in to two other support websites i belong to and it appears i hav been kicked out. I was manic all Winter; who knows what I said to someone they may have banned me. This is a big loss. Online support has carrried me thru many times.

Sometimes i just want to fall asleep and not wake up again. I am in totally unknown waters with so many things. I cant let the fear win. I can't waste time. I just feel like rocks are in my stomach….

Time to step up to the plate and be proactive on my own behalf. I read one of my meditation books this morning and it talked about imagining a bright, white light surrounding and protecting me…..leading me on a path to succcess and happiness. I am buying into that one……its worked before.

I just wish i could get my thoughts and feelings in alignment with eachother.