Hey everyone, hope ur all doin good!
Im ok but a bit pissed off… Went to see my doctor wednesday armed with info id gotten off my counsellor and another doctor i saw the week previously ( my doctor was away then). Anyway i wasnt feeling great the week before when i saw the other doc and he really listened to me, asked me LOTS of questions, continiously typed on my file and then told me all about what he has experienced his patients feeling on a detox, what he usually does to help and what meds he gives them to lessen the pain and burden of it all. Went to my counsellor then who talked through it all wiht me in depth, and gave me some litreature on some of the drugs and treatments available such as lofexidine etc. So i went away from the clinic that day feeling completley reassured, and much more in control and not so apprehensive. I went home and read the litreature i was given which made me feel better again and i decided i would go to my own doctor the next week with all my info, hoping he would go through it all with me and decide on the best possible course of action……
Walked into his office on wednesday morning feeling good and walked out feeling completley deflated. I started to try and talk to him about some of the info id been given and he declined to even acknoledge i would be sick with my detox let alone need somethig to help me with it… now he was not rude or mean he just said, no lefoxodine wouldnt be for u, its normally only used for short term heroin addicts – poeople who have only been smoking it for a few months, ( i definatley dont fall into that category as i was using huge ammouts every day in all differenr forms and for a few years) .OK well fair enough i said (even though i was told that althouth lofexodines main focus is on short term users it could be used to help me and could work very effectivly) and i stared to ask about the pains, the sickness, the sleepless nights etc, to which he told me that i would be fine, it wouldnt be that bad BLAH BLAH fucking BLAH. He works in a detox centre, one of the best in the city and he doesnt think il need any of this……
Im so fucking pissed off, OF course im goiing to be sick, of course im going to be in pain, of course im going to have sleepless nights and feel like im loosing my fucking mind, and he is trying to talk bollix and tell me il be GRAND?! Well there obviously the words of someone who hasnt been through a detox??
How does someone know how a flu feels if they have never had one? How does someone know how a broken bone feels if they have never had one? How does someone know how a detox would feel if they have never EVEN BEEN THROUGH ONE?!!! How could they knwo the pain you would feel, the fear of waking up in the middle of the night from a night mare and realising its only just begun? How could a person KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE FRIGHTENED BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS AND FEEL LIKE YOUR GOING INSANE IF THEY NEVER FELT THAT WAY BEFORE???
Iv been through cold turkey from heroin, on my own in my bedroom for 32 hours with no one there to tell me it would be ok, no one to tell me im not going crazy, no tablets, no methadone NO NOTHING. And instead of going out and getting heroin which i could have done and i know it would have made me better instantley , like a magic fix but i didnt do that, instead i went to a methadone clinic and begged for help , and even when the nurse said they wouldnt be able to give me anythig until i saw a doctor in a couple of days etc and she told me it would be better for me to go and get some heroin and even just smoke it so i woudnt go crazy from turkeying an do anythin stupid (also she said somehtint i vaguely remember about it bein dangerous to go through withdrawels an ur own with out any meds or supervision-u can have heart attacks and some other stuff) i still didnt give up , but i waited an saw the doctor and got on that clinic and have never missed a day in all my time there, never missed a urine sample (ok some have been dirty , especially in the first few weeks i did coke an tabelts , benzo's etc and had a month long relapse when i was there about 8 weeeks) and i think that is to be expected anywway . I wanted to get clean but i was trynig to find ways and means to cope and deal with things like i always did-i turned to drugs, also some of that had to do with the fact i didnt want to be addicted anymore but i also wasnt prepared to change my life-stop hanging around drug userss, drug dealers, selling drugs my self etc etc so i was bound to relapse . I just wanted so much to find a happy medium between getting off drugs but not changing my life (i supposse its normal enough behaviour?) But even through all this i never lied to my doctor, nurses or counsellor (ok of course i tried to put my wrong doings in the best light with the counsellor at the beginning but iv copped on to that) inestead every time i used or did somerthing stupid i would go in, sit down and tell them and my ressoning for that was always and is still ; 'im not on this clinci to tell lies, to get methadone with the intention of never taking it and to keep using , im here to get better and to let you all help me so im not going to lie about what im up to cos the only one id be fooling is myself' and they all seemed to appriciate this so why am i not getting the same respect from my doctor?
I spoke to one of the G/A's that i get on really well wiht about it when i walked out of the doc's office an he said my doc is the same with everyoine and i should tell my counsellor and get her to put some pressure on him. I went to see my counslllor later on that day and relayed the whole thing to her and was really good about it, she comfortated me, and expained thats just the way my doctor is. She said he doesnt believe people need it. She asked me would i not try it his way and see how things pan out, and if it doesnt work i can always go the other route. But my feelings on doing that are that , i know who i am, what i can cope with and how i work (for the most part anyway) and without selling myself short, i know i woulnt be able to cope to well with the withdrawels. I also know that coming off methadone is worse than coming off heroin (if thats possible) and im detoxing to the best of my ability and i want to do it right and make it last- for EVER. I dont want to do it with out help and under the supervision (if u could even call it that)of someorr who wont even acknoweldge that it will be bad, il be in pain etc and then have to go through all that and not have it work an end up back at square minus 100000 on a higher dose of mehtadone, feeling like the whole thing was a waste of time and have my defences and moral so low. I cant sit by and put myself in that postion, i cant just watch myself going down a road that i know im my heart and sole will not work for me. Apart from that, i have a job and believe im making great strides to cure myself from addiction (im not looking for bouquets of flowers to be thrown at my feet by saying that either) and i cant take any more time off work. Im not looking for a quick fix cos if i was i would have went back oin drugs a long time ago.
I just dont know how to handle this nnow…. im on 15mls a day and the time for this plan for my detox should be well on truly in action now, but inestead it feels like it hasnt started.
(thanks for listening and im sorry i went on for so long but i just needed to get al this off my chest)