I told my ex- fiance who is a recovering addict about my problem.
hes coming with me to a meeting today, the meeting is in 3 hrs. im on the bus home. i feel ill. i took my phsyc meds, i drank alot of water, i ate some fruits, my desprerate attempts to revive my body so i can make it home.
i dont have much time, my body is shutting down. this isn't a game. this is real.
as i was sitting on the bus i looked through the window at the store where i buy my poisen. "never again" i told my self. my first meeting was in 2007. i never kept a day count, i never took the program seriously, i never really wanted to get clean. and the longest i have been sober was 6 months.
But things have changed. in the past i just wanted to use, and not get caught.
eat the cake and keep it whole. now, all i want is one clean day. Thats it just one clean day…24 hrs of sobriaty it sounds impossible. and yet, it sounds releaving. like a vacation. wow. 24 hours of sobriaty…by the time i will be done with the meeting, the effect will wear off….i didnt buy anymore, and i cant score in my city, so there is still hope. i will go to sleep clean, wake up clean, go to work clean…and by the grace of god, and anyones support, ill be strong enough to not buy on my way to work. I wonder what it will be like. To sit at the office, clear headed. not feeling sick. not being affraid that im going to pass out in the bathroom. being able to feel my limbs….not blowing my nose every 3 seconds. being aware, smiling…if i could just stay clean for one day, i could have all that. and then another day..and another. and ill get stronger. and who knows what ill feel.
all i know is that im looking death strait in the eye. I have to stop. because if i don't stop, something horrible will happen. I have to remember that. curtin call…shows over. Time to put an end to this madness. I want to live, and I can live. I just have to be brave, do the work, pray and stay clean.