So, I learned that I was supposed to see mypsychiatrist today. so I had a nervous breakdown crying, unable to find anything good to wear. just plainly not wanting to see him.

.

Because I knew if he said one thing, just ONE I'd blow. so we went all the over there- me still having a panic attack- and it turns out it wasn't today but NEXT wednesday….good grief.

.

So now I have to go through the same trauma next week. so mom went back to school to finish some work while me and my brother went to the stroe to get somethings.

.

I wanted nothing so I stayed in the car, i watched all these poeple pass me…huge ones….tiny ones…they all triggered me. I started just hitting anything I could. I wanted out of there.

.

when my brother finally did come back I was in NO mood for his stupid rules of his car. and so he got pissy and litteraly slammed the breaks because of it. what a child.

.

so we fought, I almost got out of the car and walked home but he kept locking the door as soon as I unlocked it. but as soon as we got home I jumped out of that car and ran to my room.

.

I don't want to talk to anyone, not him, not mom (who keeps trying to call), not even my beloved pets.

.

I took three xanax and I hope I knock out soon. I don't want to deal with today at all, or this disgusting body.

.

everyone can just fuck off, I don't care.

.

Last night me and both my parents fought, for a moment I thought my dad cared and was checking on me but all he wanted was to take my pills away from me (which I got back)

.

because mom told him to, so now i KNOW i'm not trusted, so why on earth should I trust THEM? I shouldn't. and I don't.

.

he tried to apologize and said "i do love you" BULLSHIT. I'm not talking to him. i'm barely talking to mom. and now my brother- the one person I thought wouldn't betray- is on that same list.

.

so things are only get worse. and I need to get back to where I was before. I don't care is it was 'sickly', i'm still under weight but I'm not the 84 i was before, i NEED to get back there.

.

have a good afternoon/evening. I know I won't.