Preparing to talk to my brother about everything. It's rough because I'm not supposed to know about what he tried. What's weird is recently (i really wish I remembered the day, because this would be eerie if it was the same day he was going to do it), I had a sudden overwhelming feeling that I needed to talk to him about suicide- that I needed to make sure he was okay.
I have been listening to music most of the day; all the sad songs that let the tears flow. Last night, I was very numb, and I couldn't really cry- I just hurt. It feels good to let them out.
All day I have been thinking about people I love, and how much I need to tell them. I'm going to try really hard over the next week or so, to see people that I love, and make sure they know how important to me they are.
If I ever lost my brother, I don't think I could go on. I don't think I could function. I think I would be unable to work or go to school. I would lie in my bed in the dark and sob forever. I would never heal. Sometimes, I feel like his mother, because our mom left us. I haven't lived with him in years, but I feel like we're almost identical, and it's my responsibility to help him out because I know exactly what he's feeling.
I think that's what hurts the most- is that I know exactly how he feels, and I know how much it hurts when you want to die that badly, and I know how it feels to try it. And I know how it feels to change your mind, and I'm so glad he did. I really am glad. But it hurts. I'm so scared. I love him so much. It would be like losing everything. Like a child, a sibling, a friend, a person I admire, a part of me. If it hurts this much with him still alive and okay, I just…….
I feel so terrible that I ever thought I could do this to my family and friends. This pain is intense. My chest hurts like a deep ache that is so heavy, I'm not always sure I can even stand. Oh please God. Let us end up okay.