So far for the passed couple months, I have been able to control my panic and anxiety. Although sometimes, I get anxiety nearly every other day, but I manage to get grips on it as much as I can. Although there is something that I have been going through for the passed 9 months every so often everyday and I just can't put my finger on it to what it really is or what it really means. I am thinking that it might have to do with depression, but I am writing this to hopefully have some feedback to see if others experience or think this way as well.
Sometimes, it feels as though it's scary to live everyday… I don't want to die, but sometimes the world seems so huge, and I seem so small, and it seems as though time is going by so fast and I feel that I haven't even done anything in my life. I don't know if it's because I planned some goals of mine to be completed by the time I was this age, and I haven't even cleared one. I always wanted to graduate from college by now, (I am 24) but I just started this year. I always wanted to get married and have kids at this time, strange I know… but that hasn't happend either. For some reason, I forgot the meaning of life. The meaning of being not taking things for granted and to be thankful for what I have. I feel that I lost it when my grandparents passed… Although now I finally am able to accept that their gone, and try to grow into my own person… But it's so difficult. Sometimes I get excited about that, but other times, it feels as though I am under a constant black cloud with all this negativitiy. I have no idea why I think these stupid obsessive thoughts. These thoughts are negative. Some of them are scray to write, but there's one that I will try to best explain. I've never wrote it down or expressed it in words before….
Sometimes I feel that I want to explode. Not literally, it's not that I want to die, but it feels as though I have regret, but yet I don't. I feel that I am doing everything wrong, and I feel this horrible pit in my stomach. I feel that I am not living up to what I should be. My mind thinks that I should have everything right here right now, but I know that's impossible. I am reaching those goals slowly as every person would. I am a full time student fullfilling my dream. I have a wonderful boyfriend that has been at my side for three years. I have the greatest parents who support me in every way possible, and are there for me one hundred percent as well as dear friends.
I do have faith, but only recently it's hard to struggle with getting back into it. It's hard to be greatful for my life now and realize to not sweat the small stuff. I don't know why I feel this way but I have been feeling it for 9 months. Sometimes I stick to routines and if I don't do them properly, I feel down and out. I dunno… I am just trying to get it out into words as best I can, but I just want to know what it is and I want to know what I can do to feel great about my life, and be excited on life like I used to back in the day…I want to be me again.
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I know how it feels to "miss yourself" to be "me" again. Its scary to go through life alone least of all without knowing of having a sense of who you used to be and missing that person. Just take it one day at a time. You sound like you have a good support structure in your life with your family and boyfriend and that is a lot more than some people. So that is one thing to be grateful for. I would suggest you do some volunteer work for a homeless shelter. I say that because I had your kinda feelings last year and felt that I had nothing to be excited or happy about. So I decided to see if helping people with less then me would help and it did wonders for my emotions. I connected with people, the world didn't seem so vast anymore, and I began to "feel" again. Happy, grateful, excited. I felt like me again. This might help. Just a thought.
Also, I think that setting goals for ones self is a good thing but don't hold yourself completely accountable. Life gets in the way. I graduated college at 32 years old. Not how I thought it would happen when I graduated high school. But I never gave up and I never stopped.
Keep your chin up and have a great day.
I am glad you left this post today, I share much of your same feelings and It is soo had to put into words but I can still undertand. You said it best by saying" I just want to be normal again" God, how I want to feel normal again. I have only been dealing with this my self a short while and seams as if the whole world has turned upside down, like Im stuck in a dream. soo numb sometimes and out of touch with reality, I can't help but think sometimes that maybe why this is happening to me is to prepare my self to well, to die, I guess, like something is going to happen to me anytime now. I stick to my routines as well but it is always in the back of my head, Its hard to escape it when all here here on TV radio, etc, is all negitive. Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise, forcing me to look at my life from a different perspective. . I hold my children more, I let the little things go with my husband, Im taking time to listen to My self, and i'm also strugling to have faith. Its funny, I picked up a copy of the bible on CD and I listen to it when ever I get into the car, hoping that it might give me some enlightenment or better perspective on my life, I think It's just confusing me more. I may never find the answers I'm looking for or why this is happening to me all of a sudden, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one.
Hi katy, I live everyday with the same thoughts. Things have been really ruff for me lately and I know we haven't spoken for a while, but I have been under a lot of presure. I feel that same, like I'm a small little pebble in the pond of life. I don't really feel that I have any direction right now and my anxiety has really taken over my life. My Doctor tries to tell me I need a plan and put it together to live my life, but I don't even know where to begin.
As you know I was a Police Officer for several years, had a good job, one I enjoyed. I had a home, money in the bank and was happy. I was going out and dating, experiencing new things and enjoying life. Then one day I had a panic attack and my life changed. I haven't been able to find myself since and as you know I have had to leave my job and I'm at home for the most part now.
I struggle everyday with the meaning of life. I pray and I ask God to take away all my fears and anxiety so that I may life a full life again. I pray for it everyday. I wonder to myself, when will I find happiness and enjoy my life again without this condition. It's so very hard to answer all these questions when you don't know what they are.
I hope you find the answers your looking for and I hope you are doing well and can learn to get past the past. That's a hard one for me. Take Care Katy.
Eric
I am so lost as well… I have lost essentially what makes me me and what used to make me happy I can no longer find either. I used to enjoy things at one point and my councellor now says that I was just doing a really good job at faking happiness for so long and covering it up with men, my kids, weed and alcohol….
I am sure it won't always feel like this for either of us because there is so much change that keeps happening whether we are happy with that fact of not. I seem to fall flat on my face at every little change that devestation happens whenever something large changes.
I have not reached any of my goals either and therefore have so much fear of trying something new even if it will make me feel better or get me want. I fear failure so I have given up on many things. I know it is a struggle for us all here and we will get there because each day that we listen and share…. I don't know…. you have to think it won't be this way forever or it isn't worth waking up anymore I guess.
Hope things get better! TRICIA