So far for the passed couple months, I have been able to control my panic and anxiety. Although sometimes, I get anxiety nearly every other day, but I manage to get grips on it as much as I can. Although there is something that I have been going through for the passed 9 months every so often everyday and I just can't put my finger on it to what it really is or what it really means. I am thinking that it might have to do with depression, but I am writing this to hopefully have some feedback to see if others experience or think this way as well.
Sometimes, it feels as though it's scary to live everyday… I don't want to die, but sometimes the world seems so huge, and I seem so small, and it seems as though time is going by so fast and I feel that I haven't even done anything in my life. I don't know if it's because I planned some goals of mine to be completed by the time I was this age, and I haven't even cleared one. I always wanted to graduate from college by now, (I am 24) but I just started this year. I always wanted to get married and have kids at this time, strange I know… but that hasn't happend either. For some reason, I forgot the meaning of life. The meaning of being not taking things for granted and to be thankful for what I have. I feel that I lost it when my grandparents passed… Although now I finally am able to accept that their gone, and try to grow into my own person… But it's so difficult. Sometimes I get excited about that, but other times, it feels as though I am under a constant black cloud with all this negativitiy. I have no idea why I think these stupid obsessive thoughts. These thoughts are negative. Some of them are scray to write, but there's one that I will try to best explain. I've never wrote it down or expressed it in words before….
Sometimes I feel that I want to explode. Not literally, it's not that I want to die, but it feels as though I have regret, but yet I don't. I feel that I am doing everything wrong, and I feel this horrible pit in my stomach. I feel that I am not living up to what I should be. My mind thinks that I should have everything right here right now, but I know that's impossible. I am reaching those goals slowly as every person would. I am a full time student fullfilling my dream. I have a wonderful boyfriend that has been at my side for three years. I have the greatest parents who support me in every way possible, and are there for me one hundred percent as well as dear friends.
I do have faith, but only recently it's hard to struggle with getting back into it. It's hard to be greatful for my life now and realize to not sweat the small stuff. I don't know why I feel this way but I have been feeling it for 9 months. Sometimes I stick to routines and if I don't do them properly, I feel down and out. I dunno… I am just trying to get it out into words as best I can, but I just want to know what it is and I want to know what I can do to feel great about my life, and be excited on life like I used to back in the day…I want to be me again.