Someone recently asked me if Charlie wants to save this marriage.  The answer, according to him, is no.  But, he has been very kind to me, and he has stayed very close, so I haven’t given up, yet.  I know he still loves me.  That much is clear, but loving someone…  it isn’t always enough

He seemed to stop wanting me a long time before Quinn and I ever touched, and when he told me he knew about Quinn, he wrote in his letter, "I have no desire left for you."  I know people say things they don’t mean, but it seemed to make sense.  Given what he’d just gone through…

He also wrote, "I wil not stay married to you.  I refuse."

And, I felt like I had to accept that.  I tried to.  I wanted to kill myself.  I told myself that I had to do what he wanted, because I’d hurt him so badly.  But, I could never go along with ending our relationship.  I can’t act like I think it’s okay, or right for us, to end this, when I think it’s the best thing either of us has ever had, or will ever have.  I know I’m kind of nuts, and we’ve never been exactly good for each other.  But, we are good together.  We make each other happy.  We’re companions, and partners, and we love and protect each other.  I know he still needs me.  He’s stayed by my side, and held me every night, in spite of what he’s said.  But, I don’t think I can push, at all.  I just need to trust in what we have, and believe that it can survive all that I think it can.  And, hope that I can, too…