10:50 am 7/8/09 Wed anxietytribe blog
I need to make a call but I am afraid of doing so because I feel like I screwed up so badly and I don't want to face the disappointment and condemnation that is coming from my inner critic. I feel ashamed that I have gotten behind and I don't want to face the music. I want to run away from the situation, ignore it, pretend that it's not there but that just makes the situation worse. It becomes a vicious cycle. The more scared I am and the more I try to run away, the more disappointed and angry I get at myself for not confronting the mess I have made. I have a very tough time dealing with feeling like a screw up. I know a big part of the problem is how perfectionistic, how unforgiving I am towards mself. I feel frozen and paralyzed and trapped in quicksand. I know I need to bite the bullet and stop running. I need to stop avoiding, stop being so unforgiving, encourage myself to face the emotions of disappointment and shame and not try to sweep these emotions under the rug or distract myself with mindless web surfing.
10:57 am
I know God gives us second chances, that He is forgiving. It's hard for me to feel that I can have a second chance, that I can be forgiving towards myself if I am not perfect. I ask God to help me experience that sense of forgiveness on an emotional and deeper level , to move out of my head and let my heart be open to His Healing Spirit.
It's so darn hard for me to be open. I feel like a clam that is tightly closed. One of my favorite prayers is "Lord i believe, help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)
11:02 am
Lord I believe, help my unbelief
Lord I believe, help my unbelief
Lord I believe, help my unbelief
I close my eyes and pause and meditate as I repeat that phrase in my mind.
It's like I sense like a pouring or shower in my mind's eye. I am so broken, so stuck God.
I am so rigid and unforgiving, help me, help my unbelief.
I feel my breath slow down and deepen. My breathing was shallow and quick but as i try to slow down and breathe deeply, I hope that my parasympathetic relazation system will begin to kick in.
I am reading Matthew 10:1-7 (from the 14th week in ordinary time lectionary.
Jesus summoned his Twelve disciples and gave them authority to drive out unclean spirits.
Drive out the unclean spirit of rigid perfectionism and unforgivenes, of shame and avoidance within my psyche.
Lord, I pray for all the members on this site. May you hear their prayers, their lamentations, Help us , hear our cries.
I pray for my family, for my kids, for my parents, for my work associates.
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
11:09 am
