Tomorrow, I begin moving things into my townhouse. It'll be the first time I've lived away from home since the debacle known as The Law School Experiment took place. On the eve of this transition, it seems like I have no choice but to reflect on where I am in my development in dealing with SA.
SA makes it difficult to function in society and acheiving the goals that most anyone in modern society seeks. To truly feel like an adult and a functioning member of society, I've felt like I needed 3 things. A place of my own, a career, and at least one person that is close to me that I can depend on and that can depend on me. In 24 hours, I will have reached the final leg of that trifecta as I begin life in my own place, again.
It's been 5 years since I moved back home after dropping out of law school, finding out my girlfriend left me for someone else, and having no idea what to do with my life. Now, I am finally getting past these setbacks and getting back into a life where I can actually acheive specific goals like books I want to right and ideas I want to see become more fully developed. There isn't one major reason I was able to reach these goals, but rather an overall strategy that helped me move on despite the anchor of SA that slows us all down.
That strategy is that I learned when to trust my instincts and when to realize my gut feelings were sabotaging my life. With SA, the fight or flight instinct is so prevelant, it's hard to tell when it is borne of a real need to be aware of a problem and when it is merely the doubt we have in ourselves. I had to pay attention to my stress, not just ignore it or try to make it go away. I had to learn what my reactions to stressful situations were telling me. There are times when the nervous feelings I get are because I'm in a situation that I need to get out of or I need help. Then, there are times when I'm overreacting and just trying to get away from the slightest bit of discomfort or embarassment. By allowing my mind a chance to understand these responses to stress, I've become able to function better and become more productive.
I'm not cured, by any stretch of the imagination. I wouldn't be getting into this place if someone had not stepped in and helped me out. I am better, however, and in reality, improvement is really all we can hope to acheive sometimes. Perfection can't be reached because acheivement is an asymptotic venture. The closer we get to getting everything we want, the smaller the progress. So I wonder, now, what is next? Now that I'm in a place of stasis and stability, do I rekindle the flame of writing which I've toyed with for so long? To merely sit back and try to enjoy the progress I've made would be a folly and might lead to losing the momentum I've worked so hard to gain.
There was a time everyday was pain. I went to work (a different job) nauseated. I saw people as objects that reflected my pain over envy of what they had. I cried in bed, thinking nothing would ever get better. That's behind me and a better life is in front of me.