Has anyone else experienced severe bullying when they were kids? How much do you think that has to do with your S.A.D.?
I was talking to my therapist the other day and I mentioned the bullying. It's always been embarrassing for me to talk about. I think about it a lot. It still eats at me and I know this, but somehow I never made the connection to S.A.D.
He asked me to think about myself then. He asked me to think about that scared, fat, ugly, stupid little girl. I realized that I'm angry at her. I hate that bitch! I hate her because everyone else did. All of the psychological abuse, being called names, being threatened, having your stuff taken away to be given to someone else or sometimes to just have it destroyed in front of you, being purposely excluded, being set up just to be embarrassed, being singled out for behavior when everyone was doing the same thing, people telling lies or starting rumors about you, other people siding against you even when they know you’re telling the truth, etc. Yeah. I fucking hate her for all of that. If I were prettier, thinner, smarter, richer, BETTER they wouldn’t have done that to me. But I DESERVED it because I’m trash and everyone always made sure I knew it.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone figured out how to turn it off? To make it stop. Does anyone know how to not feel guilty for existing? Does anyone still get bullied by people? How do we end it? Are we doomed to live like this forever? If you lose all self-worth how can you possibly get it back if no one else ever thought you were worth anything?
Please write whatever comes to mind. I want to hear it all. I want to figure this out. I can’t go on like this. I need to deconstruct and rebuild myself. I’m willing to do the dirty work, but I don’t have any tools.