Has anyone else experienced severe bullying when they were kids? How much do you think that has to do with your S.A.D.?

I was talking to my therapist the other day and I mentioned the bullying. It's always been embarrassing for me to talk about. I think about it a lot. It still eats at me and I know this, but somehow I never made the connection to S.A.D.

He asked me to think about myself then. He asked me to think about that scared, fat, ugly, stupid little girl. I realized that I'm angry at her. I hate that bitch! I hate her because everyone else did. All of the psychological abuse, being called names, being threatened, having your stuff taken away to be given to someone else or sometimes to just have it destroyed in front of you, being purposely excluded, being set up just to be embarrassed, being singled out for behavior when everyone was doing the same thing, people telling lies or starting rumors about you, other people siding against you even when they know you’re telling the truth, etc. Yeah. I fucking hate her for all of that. If I were prettier, thinner, smarter, richer, BETTER they wouldn’t have done that to me. But I DESERVED it because I’m trash and everyone always made sure I knew it.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone figured out how to turn it off? To make it stop. Does anyone know how to not feel guilty for existing? Does anyone still get bullied by people? How do we end it? Are we doomed to live like this forever? If you lose all self-worth how can you possibly get it back if no one else ever thought you were worth anything?

Please write whatever comes to mind. I want to hear it all. I want to figure this out. I can’t go on like this. I need to deconstruct and rebuild myself. I’m willing to do the dirty work, but I don’t have any tools.

4 Comments
  1. twthoma1 11 years ago

    I think lots of people experience it. I dont know if I was bullied per se – but not having money or decent clothes, or being on welfare certainly set kids up for feeling like they are being bullied. I am not sure how you deal with it. I have pretty good SAD and had to leave my home town. I was doing ok until i began to feel low self esteem because I tried to start a business and it has bottomed out. Now I feel like I am right back in that high school with other kids jeering and laughing. I think we have to truly try to work on our self esteem. I think that is the key. I have not done very well at improving it but still working on it. Let me know if you have any success. Good Luck and let me know how it goes. Tim

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  2. saigebrean 11 years ago

    I was bullied through-out the majority of my middle school/high school years. Why? I have no idea. Has it affected who I am today? Yes. I feel that I\'m not good enough for anyone and I still feel very excluded. But everyone on this earth has a right to be here. I\'ve began to exercise and get into different hobbies. It helps but there are days (especially this week) where I feel down about myself. I\'m learning to take all that angry I have about my past and use it to better myself and all those who have ever made fun of me.

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  3. Lonesomeone 11 years ago

    Thanks for sharing guys. I know self-esteem is a big part of it, of course. But I don\'t know how to improve my self esteem. Whenever I try to better myself I feel guilty for trying. I do it anyway. But it\'s horribly embarrassing to me and I usually stop trying whenever someone notices I\'m trying. Does that make any sense? haha Anyway, thanks again for all the input. I\'m trying to figure it out. Hopefully we can all get through our crap so we can start living life.

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  4. GabZ 11 years ago

    Honestly, I\'ve never understood bullying because I\'ve never really seen it in school, and I\'m the smallest guy around [I grew up in Asia]. But people used to tell me that the people who are bullying others are usually the ones that have the lowest self-esteem. They bully you to make themselves feel better and to take you down to their level. I\'m not sure if it will help, but perhaps forgive yourself. Its not like you could do anything back then right? What could you have done? Punched them? Kicked them? What would happen then?
    It took me a long time (and I\'m still trying and reminding myself to do it), but slowly, I think I\'ve managed to forgive myself for believing the image that society was projecting onto me (that small guys are not men at all, they are weak and unattractive and un-manly).

    With regards to self-esteem, do what you\'re good at. Try to muster the courage to pursue what you want to in life. If you fail, feel bad and shitty, then forgive yourself, learn, and try again, and again and again and again until you get what you want or until you don\'t feel like it anymore. Its all up to you and nothing is ever wrong if you\'ve thought about it and it still feels like the right hting to do.

    Martial arts classes have also helped me boost my self-esteem quite a bit, nothing like realising that you\'re able to take a punch or deliver a good punch to make you think \”Hey… I can do this!\” And if you can do that, then… what else can you do I wonder… probably anything!

    Its your life, don\'t feel guilty!

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