hi

it’s me again.

And I figured that I may as well try blogging this time

Instead of crowding up the forum, since there are probably a lot more people out there that need the forum space to get a voice out. much more than I do at this point at any rate.

So with that here we are.

Lately I have been doing lots of strange soul searching.

Actually my whole world has been shaken up.

My foundation was always seated in this strange notion of being the outside alien stranger, the adventurer that looks to be better and good, but I know that deep down it is all dark strange noise that I have to navigate Always. and adventures are always playing bigger in your head and much nicer than the actual reality.

I always try to be good regardless and I always try to do the right thing.

I have failed so very miserably in the past.

I have had to cut myself out of peoples lives just to keep the mutual pain to a minimum. You always pay the price in the end for this and in every choice ultimately.

Anyway to break away from this line for the moment my whole purpose for blogs has become more of a journey throughout my past and my good and bad story’s so that I can hopefully find a level space between the margins. That I can re-identify with. And eventually find myself again. I hope.

So tonight’s story is.

Love and the moon.

It was one of those glorious summer nights. The wind sweeping into the car was just a little chilly. But just right for the moment regardless of the slight chill.

The smell of summer rain on the grass wiping into your senses over powers just about every other thought.

right up to the moment that the moon peaks over the tops of the trees lining the road, while you are speeding by.

You can almost feel the evergreens whip past you.

You can almost feel the moon moving at a snails pace over head. And it feels like this night is going to last forever.

The CD moves on to the next track and you are compelled to look inward and you take in the driver. A woman you met, over coffee and nervousness. Sweaty palms and over thought responses. You take in her smell. And fall in love a thousand times again in a million different thoughts and motions. She is herself but she represents the first moment you ever knew what love was and why it was so important.

In the corner of your mind you know that the destination is coming… soon. But you don’t want to let this moment go. Because after this it could be anything.. and the future is a barren horrifying unknown. So you start to over think things and maybe say the wrong thing because in the middle of all the over thinking you didn’t catch the bits and pieces that were falling out of your mouth in that fraction of a second moment.

It’s cool though because she is just like you and knows what is up.. eventually.. all of the walls are a fraction of the myth that they might have been in the first place. And you put your entire heart into her hand. Which is always the first biggest mistake of your life. But you do it anyway. Because you can never really put your entire essence into someone else without expecting at least a small portion of file corruption. They may be your soul mate. But we all come from elsewhere. And that elsewhere will always damage our own personal elsewhere if we want it to or not.

Tree lines start to fade away into diminishing plant life and eventually into open fields.

Watching the moon spill through clouds across a seemingly endless ocean of grass fields is probably the most eye opening beautiful moment you will ever have as a human being.

Second only to the first moment you see your first eclipse or meteor shower or the first second that you know that your parents are proud of the fact that you are alive no matter what else might be going on with you.

She looks back at you. And you worry a little. But it’s alright. Her eyes scream just as much love and adoration back at you as yours do to her.

The car pulls into a small dirt trail on the side of a very lonely road in the middle of nowhere, it is little more than a dirt path into the hills between a short stand of tall trees.

You both looked it up at the library hours earlier and know for a fact that there is an ancient cemetery here. So even if your exact coordinates are off you are both here together facing this and it is ok

The road is more or less an adventure of hills and muddy pits that your small car splashes through awkwardly(you worry a little..) it’s still ok though . You eventually come to the top of a dirty hill with a row of twenty or more cypress trees on your right. And beyond that a row of weathered almost blank washed away head stones. And you wonder for a moment who they were… what were there stories.. but then she touches you.

The moon is still full and beautiful and washing over the land scape around you. And for the breath of a moment you wish that this will last forever.

You both walk through the row of cypress trees into the ancient cemetery and she turns to you.

You catch her smell again and lose yourself once more. Then focus on her eyes and in the moonlight under a summer sky in an ancient cemetery your soul connects again.

Your lips meet and it is the first and last time and every great kiss ever in the history of one human being kissing another human being.

You forget why you were looking for this cemetery in the first place.

And under the bright full moon you make love in an ancient cemetery in middle of the country. And connect so completely with another human being that you don’t know what it means to be without that aspect of yourself that you never knew existed before. You are literally lost in a passionate fire of love. As cheesy as that may sound.

There is another side of the hill bathed in moonlight. And in that place she or he will eventually grow tired of trees sweeping past the car under moonlight, she/or he will eventually grow tired of ancient cemetery’s and adventurers. And they will eventually look for solid ground in a new reality.

it is completely good and ok. But for those of us left out here in the silver light of the moon we will always miss that person that will never come back.

Letting go is ok. If you really love someone so much that they feel like one of your limbs.

I have to believe this. So I hope it is true