Because of the tragedy that occured today I have to take a moment and and pray for those who were lost to the Conneticut shooter at the elementary school. My child is my most precious thing in my life ~ I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose him in such a horrific manner. To lose a child in any way is terrible, to lose a child by violence, especially so young, would destroy me. I pray for the families of all the children who died today and the families of the adults that were killed as well. They've been called home to God.

I don't want to focus to much on what happened, it's just awful and it makes me want to cry every time I think about it. Instead I'm going to talk about my day as usual, but please don't think I'm being caullous or cold ~ I'm just avoiding something that can trigger an episode for me.

So today was a long day. Normally Fridays are Aaron and I's day offjust the 2 of us. That's the one thing I'm goingto miss with him startingto work days inmid-January. But I am so grateful for him getting thatday shift because the odds were stacked againsthim, and sleeping days is reallymessing with him. He's been doing this for over 2 years now, and he still can't get agood long sleep in. This shift change will help everyone, including him. Okay, I lied, the otherthing I'm going to miss is having the whole bed to myself and my puppy dogCarley. When Aaron's in the bed too I have no room to move because he jams me against the wall.

Today we had my S.S.D appointment. They said I wasn't eligibleforSSDI because my husband makes too much money. I pray that this goes through…I've gathered enough information and letters from doctors about my condition that it should make an impact from the beginning. We were there for an hour and a half. My brain started to hurt from allof the questionsshe asked me, and I finally gave in and let Aaron answer most of them. I couldn't concentrate enough to be able to give intelligentanswers anyway. I can'tbelieve someof the questions thatwere asked; like I'm supposed to remember everything all the way back to 2004!Give me a break ~I don't have agreat memory and have avery hard time remembering what I was doing 2 minutes ago because of the meds. Bythe time she finished thequestion I had to ask herto state it again…and then I'd just look at her blankly because I had no idea how or what to answer. And it's not done ~ on Monday morning I have tofinish the appointment byphone interview. At least the lady who took care of us was really kind.She was professional but notcold in the least. I think maybe she could tell that I wasn't doing really well today. Thank God for people who still look at me as a human being despite my illness and understand it's NOTcontagious.

Anyways…so that's taken care of forthe most part. She told me it would be anywhere from 3-6 months before I heard anything regarding a decision. Whatever,I just need the help.If necessary I'll get a lawyer to deal with it. And I know it may be.

Afterwardsmy husbandtook me to the mall because he wanted to find a ring for me for Christmas. That was one of my requests wasa pretty ring to wear. We also ran into my best friend Michelle and so we walked around the mall together forawhile. Ibrowsed everyjewelry store there (and that's a lot) to try to findsomething that I loved. There were a couple of rings thatI really liked, but one specific one stood out in my mind. So he bought me the ringthat I really loved, and then Igot one 75% off on a second one. One ofthem I got to keep as a before-Christmas gift (I'm so lucky to have my husband) and the other I won't get until Christmas day. But they're both beautiful. I'm going to have the other one sized correctly ~ it's not quite big enough for the finger I want it on. We got warranties on both rings so that if something goes wrong and a stone falls out I get a new one for free and can have it sized for free as well. It's so pretty~ it's all gold filigreewithtiny diamonds interspersed throughout it. The other is silver with filigree too, but it has a heart-shapedperidot (my birthstone)in it. I needone of them to fit my middle finger sothat I can wear both.

Afterwards wedecided we needed to come home because Zachary would get off the bus in less than ahour. Aaron went to sleep, and after Zach came home I crashed on the couch for a little while. I'm still not feeling great phsyically ~can't breathe through my nose, coughing and it hurts to breathe deeply, plus the tiredness that goes with a virus.

MentallyI'm really notdoing any better today than I was yesterday. Still havingthoughts of suicide and feeling very edgy. I won't act on those thoughts, and I remind myself that that's exactly what they are; just random thoughts thatneed to be ignored when theycome to visit. I find thatif I talk about itout loud with someone it's helps take the power behind thosethoughts away. When I talk about them they feel ridiculous, which makes them less scary and made of nothing but confused brain circuitry and chemical imbalance in my skull.

Tonight we're going to watch "A Christmas Carol" ~ the one starring JimCarrey as the voice ofScrooge. I'm actually looking forward to seeing it ~ I wanted to seeit in theatres when it came out but I thought it might bea little too intense for my son at that age. My thoughts on it now are he's seen allof the Harry Potter moviesand isn't afraid of them because he understands the difference between make-believe and reality (for the most part, lol).

Well, I have a friend to call up so I'm going to go. ((((HUGS)))) to anyone who needs them today, or just wants one. 🙂 Please keep what happened today in your mind and try to find a small way to honor those that were lost. The loss of these children and adults needs to be addressed and the nation should be in outrage and despair. Hopefully their deaths will not go unnoticed and willmake a call for a major change in our schools and hightraffic areas likemalls and such. Rest in peace to all those who lost their livestoday.