I never know how I'll feel day to day. Yesterday was pretty good. I was talking to people on another support site, and it felt so good to help them out. It really lifted my mood and felt amazing to do so. But today my depression is worse, and I don't feel up to it today. It's hard to be there for others as well when I'm feeling bad myself. I have this headache that's been hanging around, and I feel so tired. I fell asleep for a while. It must have been at least a couple hours, which was surprising, and I still feel tired. My dreams are starting to bother me to, except they're dreams of something good happening. It bothers me because I don't think it will happen, and it really stinks then to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Then I just feel worse.

I don't usually get long lasting headaches like this. I guess it's another sign that my depression is indeed getting worse. I think back to when I was getting treatment a couple of years ago. I think it's likely that I received the wrong diagnosis. Why did the psychiatrist think I have bipolar disorder? I don't think I do. I'm missing a key part of it–the mania. I likely don't even have hypomania.Maybe I was talking fast one day and she mistook racing thoughts for mania. I don't know. Could have been anxiety because the psychiatrist was intimidating… What the heck? You need to ask a lot of questions and rule things out before you come up with something like that. I just wonder if such a misdiagnosis could explain why my treatment wasn't so successful. It's too bad I couldn't try another doctor, but it doesn't matter because I don't want meds anymore anyway. I just wonder about things. I wonder how my life would have turned out if I had never had this chronic depression. I have days where it's really bad, but I feel that even on a "good" day, it's still not how it should be. Seems like maybe a few days a year I don't feel depressed at all lately. It started at least when I was 14 or so. I was so young. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I would have more dreams and know what to do with my life and be on the way to a good life instead of being stuck as a failure.

But at least I'm able to be there for other people, at least some of the time. I don't know how to fix my own problems, but if I'm able to help someone think of what to do for theirs, then maybe this life isn't so pointless after all. It really is pretty much the best feeling ever to help someone else who's feeling down, and it's incredible when someone actually wants to open up to me. I'm really glad that I'm able to do that.


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