I just realized I'm doing a lot of this lately, to actually use like a journal.  I guess that's a good thing cuz then I'm actually acknowledging that I'm feeling something.  Problem is…I just have the emotional pain and I really don't know what to do with it.  Nobody in my immediate environment seems to understand…or care.  They tell me I need to be more open if something is bothering me.  I try to do that…I get either completely ignored…or just kinda brushed aside.  What's the point of feeling…or actually acknowledging being concerned (about my gf specifically) when I'm going to be either talked down to…or completely ignored???  I know I may have depended on her too long to be strong when her health doesn't always let her…but if that's the case…I need to know the truth.  How can I step it up, and put myself aside and be strong for her…when she won't share with me ALL of what's going on??  I know some may look at that as her trying to take care of me…but at 40 yrs old..it feels like she's treating me like a little kid…like I can't handle the truth.  

Today more often than not, my gf keeps asking me what's with my attitude. Problem is…I wasn't having an attitude..at least that I was aware of.  Then, when I would get kinda defensive….she couldn't understand why.  

I feel very safe sharing this stuff here, because I know there's bound to be someone who will understand how I feel.  I just feel "dark" inside most of the time lately. On those off times when I do seem to find some light….it's like my environment won't let me keep it and finds a way to steal it.  I dunno..maybe I'm just giving too much power to others in my immediate situation, but I just don't see myself as strong enough to stand and I need the others around me.  I love my gf but I just feel like lately I'm not doing her much good at all…

1 Comment
  1. cham3leon252 14 years ago

    HEY MAN I FEel you….problem is everybody say ohohohoh share this and ohohohohoh share that, but the thing is that most people dont care because either they are egotistical and only care about themselves, or they have to much problems of their own, or they would like to help out but cant….i think biggest mistake you can do is tell those around you how you feel exactly because sooner or later it comes back to haunt you….whats been my experienced as soon as i shared something…and this was my best friend…I would be considered as "weak" so to say because  you wasnt strong enough to keep it in you and handle it….and thats not the case….because you say how you feel its not the problem…the problem is you cant tell everybody even your loved ones sometimes….but you do need that person.. that person that you confide in…that you can trust so much as too tell them your darkest secrets…but this person has to be understanding and has to be away from your everday day…we all need someone to tell us were worth something and to help us through our problems….I think one way you can be strong for your girl is not even caring at all…what i mean is not thinking of yourself and just be there for here…even if you feel weak,tired or not adequate….even if you feel drained try to suck it up….even if it means at the end of the nite throwing yourself on the floor and crying to death…at least doo it where no one can see you….this would be strong because youre facing everything despite of how youre feeling…..

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