I'm hoping that writing this will ultimately help me overcome the devastating truth that I am now HIV positive. I'm not writing this for anyone else, so I do apologise if you come here seeking advice or words of encouragement. I am yet to learn myself how my life will so dramatically change and how to deal with the sudden impact of the seemingly endless emotions of hate, guilt, shame, anger and sadness. I have been positive for about 6 months or so and still have not confronted myself about the fact. I stand in front my my full length mirror wanting and needing to utter the words to myself –I am HIV positive –but the words do not pass my lips. How do you finally accept the truth? How do overcome the feelings of blame and sorrow? When do you feel happy about yourself again? I don't expect anyone to be able to answer these questions but myself. I'm the one who has to defeat myself, and finally say –fuck it, I am.
Perhaps one of the things I want to know most is, do you ever stop thinking about it? The thought of HIV and positive are always running in and out my mind. Maybe its because now that this is apart of me and because it is such a taboo, I have to hide myself, thus constantly thinking about ways of hiding it from people. I feel too shameful to tell anyone, I'm too afraid that the relationship I have with that person will change, even if it were to change for the better. I don't want to risk it. Do I just accept that people will reject or distance themselves from me are not worth anything anymore? Or do I front up accept the judgement and gossip. Which brings me to my next thought,relationships. I have had for a while now only one thought about this. That I will be alone for my whole life. This fear often brings me to tears and I don't tend to think about it too long. Another fear of rejection. I'm now too fearful of attempting to get closer to someone. Am I pushing people back that try to get closer to me, whether itssubconsciously or not.
There are so many thoughts passing through the synapses of my brain it hurts. So many so I can't even collect them all in one sitting to express them. I haven't written much, but its a start. I cannot write anymore. I will write again, until then. Thanks.