I like to tell myself and others that me and my ex have been separated for almost a year now. Because back in July of 2020 I was ready, processing and healing from being with my ex. I’m not all sure why I’m writing about him again. I am 3 days into my new job and I think about how I want to tell him how it went. He was that person for me to unload my day on, To be completely honest I don’t even know if he cared to hear about my day or if he was happy that I would talk about something with him. When I did talk about my day at work it was because I wanted him to know what my day was like. Did he ever ask? No. If I had a hard day I would be silent and kept to myself because I didn’t want to unload all my negative feelings on to him, I would want to process and use that time to calm myself down. In a way I wanted to process how I felt in my own head and talk to myself about how there is always going to be ups and downs with jobs.
In the end when I would try to self help, he would assume it was because I didn’t want to share with him, he took alot of that personally. Then that would add on to my stressful day having to explain myself when i didn’t want to or reassure him that my muteness wasnt personal or directed toward him. When I did explain that to him he would bring up the fact that we are partners, we are suppose to be there for each other, support one another and honestly none of his advice was helpful. I would practice sharing and when I did it would turn into a lesson for me to learn, how I need to stand up for myself, how I gave too much of myself to my job, or how there are bigger problems in the world. Sometimes it would turn from a conversation about how my job got to me to how it was nothing compared to how hard his job was. That would piss me off even more, I learned that If i told him what he said made me mad he would sulk and take it personal again. As if I was just trying to make it about me, Although it was about me i thought it was my time to unload what I had going on, seeking support and maybe even some encouragement that even though it can be tough that I was tougher. Then we could discuss his day, shit if he wanted to go first I would have been okay with that too. He was never the bigger person.
I realize that he would have hard days as well only difference was I asked him about it, I even asked about details to learn what he would do on a daily basis, and encourage him. I would go on about how he was a leader, a great co-worker, a quick learner, or how he is dedicated. I’m about to cry right now because I never hear him ever say those things to me ever..
The words I heard the most and I have them written in letter to me, are that I’m heartless, mean, guarded, ungrateful, sheltered and unreadable. At one point he said I was nicer to other people more than I am to him. That’s because I wasn’t rude to other people, its called being polite. Sometimes when we had conversations like this I couldn’t help but walk away from the conversation because of how ridiculous it was. It wasn’t that I was insulted or that it was true it was because I know who I am. I’ve been the same person my whole life, I know for a fact that I wake up everyday with the best intentions for everyone around me including him. The only thing different was that I thought he was the only person I was completely naked with, my anger, my happiness, my sadness, and my vulnerabilities that not even my own mother or sibling have ever seen. Instead he used that part of our relationship to make him out as a victim. It was infuriating, how am I suppose to be open when I knew certain things about my day could be used against me later when he felt like I wasn’t being a damn damsel in distress that he could save.
I have shown him more of me then I have to anyone else and i guess i just answered my own question. It was because I really was open to him but he didn’t see it that way or he didn’t recognize what that looked like. Even thought he had claimed to be in love with me for 5 years. He wrote me letters after I packed his things from my mothers and told him to bring whatever I had left at his mothers. (The living situation will be explained later in another blog when I feel like explaining it. I say that because it is a long story and I’m not sure if I can muscle up more energy to keep talk about my experience with this person..)
I’m not all sure what i miss about him. When I would be around him i could feel his energy toward me so negative. Like i said in his letter he wrote to me he started off in the most negative way. How we were off and on. How I didn’t do certain things even though I was still learning about him and still learning about myself. I reread those letters when I feel like I miss him or want to reach out to him. To remind myself how he really sees me. How there is no way someone can change how they are in a matter of months. He once asked me if we could ever come back together. I really wanted to say yes, but my mouth said “So much happened between us, we hurt each other with our words, and actions. I don’t know if I could ever love you as strongly as I did in the beginning.”
This is the first time ive ever been alone completely from a relationship. I constantly remind myself to focus on my individuality as a person. That if we happen to cross paths I hope we are both in a good place. I’m putting all my love and support into myself and really practicing getting comfortable with myself like never before…
I’m trying my best for me.