Yet again I'm here to write another long and complaint filled blog – apologies.
Bascially, I'm 20 now and I've just literally by around 2 days finished my second year at uni, I've handed in 4 assignments in 2 weeks and moved back home. I've managed to cram so much into the weekend just gone that today I'm feeling the struggle in every part of my body.
I moved home saturday morning, didn't have time to unpack but just about broke myself lifting so much stuff. Then I was straight over to my sister to prepare for a night out – I had a mini break down whilst getting ready, couldn't find the entusiasm for it at all. But still I trooped on as I have been doing the past month. I went out and had lots of fun, tried to keep everyone happy. I came home and literally didn't sleep – but then that's what alcohol will do, you must suffer at some point :p as I did the next day when I was very ill, but had to go see my boyfriend who I'd not seen for ages because of uni. We had a brilliant day, I couldn't have been happier, I was such a mess but he cheered me right up.
One other side note (yes, of complaint) I've wrote before about my boyfriend and how my sister just doesn't like him – I thought she'd maybe got passed it but she made some very horrid remarks about him on saturday night and they added to the mini break down. The thing is (before I get on to my main point lol) my family have always been amazing close, we love each other so much and I've never know anyone to be judgemental of anyone else – which is why that hurt so much and why the next bit was even worse.
So I came home this morning, I'd stayed at my bfs house – was fairly tired and I was told I looked really unwell 😐 (which does nothing but make you feel worse lol) was greeted by the invitation to take my nan shopping – I love her, I do but the energy you need to spend a day with her and her little remarks about how you're living your life….. I just didn't need it. So I had to refuse, I needed to unpack in order to bring some structure back to my life.
In between eating to refuel and nearly falling asleep I slowly did some work. My dad comes home, moans about stuff (yeah perhaps this is where I get it from) Later on he calls me down for dinner and ushers me in to the kitchen for 'a serious talk' – I outright did not have the energy for any kind of heart to heart, be it good or bad. Baring in mind I haven't been told off my dad for at least 7 years! What followed shocked me – I got told to respect my family more, always tell them what I'm doing, when and with you and this was the killer, I'll quote this for more effect. 'I never want you coming home telling me your pregnant' – Wow. I'm a smart girl, I would never even dream of being in that situation and to be told off with force about something so….. well, teenage. Really really wound me up. He went on to talk about living your life and doing what you need to do, but I don't remember that last bits – all I can hear and visualise is him pointing his finger at my face and (he's scottish as well so his approach is always a little intimadating) telling me off. That's all I can think to call it, because he made me feel like a 13 year old kid who didn't have a clue about.
I can look at it as, he's being protective and caring. But I can't help but thinking, firstly, was does he think I'm such an idiot.
I think I just feel hurt more than anything.
But to top it all off, the shock of being cut down like a kid sent me into a panic attack. See, I have anxiety attacks which, for me, are very different so I knew this was something brand new to me because I literally sat on the floor and could not get my breathe – I maybe felt like I couldnt do anything right anymore, and I was panic strucken about getting these new 'rules' wrong maybe for fear of seeing him act that way again. I don't know… but the combination of all that, feeling so tired – feverish, I've had a temperature since last week (yeah should really see a doctor) – and being utterly worn out with the world…. I'm not surprised I crumbled like that. I knew I had to ring my (other) sister though, she goes through a similar thing and she tried to keep me calm, but as I was on the phone my other sister (the one who doesn't like the bf) came in and sat with me and calmed me down – oddly she was being fairly supportive of the bf situation, but it was very weird trying to confide in her.
Eventually I calmed and had to go and sit with the family for dinner, luckily my niece was here so she helped dramatically to lift my mood and distract everyone from what was going on.
Now though, I'm still sat in my yet-to-be-unpacked room just wondering what to do next.
It's funny. I feel like I'm living a romeo and juliet situation. My sister said on saturday that she 'wishes they hadn't tried to put me off my bf cus then I wouldn't have gone there out of rebellion' – still a cutting comment, but now all I want to do is be with him rather than this family who all think I'm an idiot.
I think I just need a week of recoup after all the uni stuff and just… I feel like I've not stopped until now… and it's been a disaster not having a stress factor (although the telling off did fill that void).
Anyway, that's my enormous blog of complaints. I really do apologise, I feel VERY selfish but heres the only place I can do this.