For months and months, I was doing "well". I was able to go out, be independent. However, I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was acting like someone else just to appear normal, and I was completely ignoring my inner voice.
I recently watched a documentary on how people try to domesticate monkeys and adapt them as children (I promise this will make sense in a minute). They pluck the baby monkeys from their mothers at such a young age and 'replace' their mothers with a teddy bear and a human serigate mother. The primates cleave to the human replacement mother and rock with the teddy bear for comfort to remind them of their real mother. They are high anxious beings because they are meant to climb trees all day, not to wear dresses and be on a leash.
The monkeys act like normal babies for about the first year of their lives because they are only babies and they learn to love their human mothers as much as they can. However, when they hit puberty at around 1 year old, they begin to become aggressive and dangerous for the human to own them. Often times, at this stage, the human mother will give the monkey away to a sanctuary or make alterations to try to dominate them (it's graphic, so I wont fill you in on that info).
This was so reminisent of my life. When I was a child, I was always told how to act, even though it wasn't the way I wanted to be. I was raised to believe that as a woman, I didn't have as much power as a man did. I was told my anxiety was not okay to express. That my feelings should be kept inside.
When I grew older, around teenage, I began to start to do things I wanted to do. Act how I wanted to act. But, no matter how hard I try, I seem to always revert to that baby monkey who just wants my mother to love me and hold me, to protect me. And she can't. I'm an adult and I need to fight for myself. However, I feel like with my anxiety, I've been keeping myself on a leash for so long that I am afraid to step out into the world and be who I want to be.
As sufferers of anxiety, we keep ourselves in a cage. We allow ourselves to be afraid of a world that isn't out to get us. Believe it or not, the world is not out to get you.
I am a domesticated human; raised by the wrong species of human. But, I cannot change that. I can control my future and work on changing how I view the world. Then I can swing from all the trees I want to and feel happy.
I hope you can do the same 🙂
Please comment and inbox me. Let's create a supportive community. Don't fight alone!