1:10 pm 7/17/09 Friday
I feel afraid to ask for what i want from work, from life. I feel guilty about asking for things, fearful that my requests will be met wtih resentment and judgement, feeling like my requests are a terrible bother and imposition, like I have no right even though I do. I tend to disparage myself. It' s hard for me to stop the self judgment.
I feel anxious blogging feeling like I don't have the time to blog, that I am falling behind. Forcing myself ot blog because it does seem to help even though a part of me is screaming that things are falling behind.
As I sit and blog, I feel like the adrenaline fueled anxiety is coming down a notch. i feel my breath deepening and slowing instead of the shallow quick breathing I normally do.
As I slow down, I start to become more aware of God's presence. Normally when I rush around, I hardly notice Him.
There is a Biblical saying "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I am rereading the entire psalm 46. It talks about God is our refuge and strength even when the earth gives way and the mountains fall in to the hearts of the sea.
That's how I feel inside metaphorically speaking,that the earth is giving way , that the mountains are quaking.
I think of my therapist, another place where I felt a sense of refuge. I can't afford to see her as much but blogging has helped to fill some of that void.
Be still and know that I am God.
God, help me in the midst of my psychic quakes and trmeors. Help me, Lord.