Not really sure how else to put it…I just feel so numb today, About everything physically and mentally. And you know same old story why, Being in the hospital now (entering the 4th week) as well as my 'normal' problems and disorders while trying to deal with it.

Also, to answer some previous questions yes I tried to contact Ali recently, She wasn't home when I called, But her mom talked to me…Whether this was because her mom actually likes me or it was just out of pity i'm not sure.

But I'm just not worth putting up with. That's the cold hard facts.

Also, I tried distracting myself by updating my stories (I write stories, currently writing a couple of series…If any of you ever want to see some of what i've written feel free to ask…Though i'm sure no one is interested.)

I also am listening to some music…It's like whenever I listen to that specific song, It knows exactly how I'm feeling, y'know? I listen to alot of music, and to alot of different bands, I'm a music junkie, and sometimes it feels like that's one of the only things that keeps me sane, even for just a moment. Other then when I cut, it sort of lets me know i'm still alive.

So, I'm listening to this song right now and it's like exactly how I feel. It's called "Tomorrow" by Sr-71 Here are the lyrics for it:

Is it any wonder why I'm scared?
If I was a little younger would I care?
Feeling like the walls are growing stronger
I don't know if this cage
Can hold me any longer

You never dreamed you'd have to
Live your life so guarded
'Cause they'll find a way to
Make you feel discarded

I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through
The eyes of someone else

I never thought they'd want me
To go even faster
Never thought I took my foot off the gas
Everybody loves to be in on the pressure
But I know they're all waiting
For the crash

You never dreamed you'd have to
Live your life so guarded
(So guarded)
'Cause they'll find a way to
Make you feel discarded
(Discarded)
So changed, you've become a complication
Can't make it through
Another day's humiliation

I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself
(Scared of myself)
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through
The eyes of someone else

Someone else
Someone else
Someone else
Is it any wonder why
The answer keeps me petrified?
Is it any wonder why I'm scared?

I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself
(Scared of myself)
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through
The eyes of someone else

Is it any wonder why I'm scared?
(I'm not afraid of tomorrow)
If I was a little younger would I care?
(I'm only scared of myself)
Feeling like the walls are growing stronger
(Feels like my insides are on fire)
And I'm looking through
The eyes of someone else
Is it any wonder why I'm scared?
Someone, someone more

It might be stupid to get so worked up over a song, But I do, I have always been that way about music I can relate to. And lately I just feel that I won't be able to stop falling until I hit the bottom, and I feel that i'm going to be hitting rock bottom soon.

I have so many thoughts, and memories and feelings swelling within my body and I can't even start to picture how I'm supposed to express them, or write them down in a blog entry, I have no fucking idea.

Anyone else feel that way? Ugh…Also the doctor came by earlier tonight and was just pissing me off, I felt so annoyed just by listening to her speak. She's nice sure, but it's to nice it's like something that's way to sweet it hurts. I just didn't have the patience to deal with her.

I want this fucking NG tube out and to just go home and fall back into the shadows of my room. I've been here for almost a month now, the ice if thin, so fucking thin. I don't know anymore…I'm just gonna stop talking now..

See you later I guess..

1 Comment
  1. Mo 11 years ago

    (((Souless)))

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    0 kudos

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