I\'m so lonely I can barely stand it anymore. It\'s been almost two weeks since I last wrote to the one last person I\'m in any sort of meaningful contact with. I\'ve looked around at her activity online and she doesn\'t seem to be online much lately. I realize she\'s busy and it\'s too early yet to worry about such things, but I\'ve just been let down so very many times in the past–EVERY time–that it\'s again wearing on me. I vowed that this time, I would not act needy and e-mail her more than that once, asking to know where she is or how she is, whatever excuse to prompt her into replying to allay my fears that she too will forget/ignore me. But it\'s so hard. With each day it gets harder. She\'s the last person I have. What if she proves to be exactly the same as EVERYBODY else and leaves me hanging? She\'s been so nice to me, but then again, so was everyone else I really believed was my friend but wasn\'t. I\'ve learned to not believe anything nice anyone says to me anymore–all the people who have insisted I\'m a good person, a good friend, I\'m strong, my life has meaning, all of them quickly forgot I exist, so why should I believe the good things they said? They didn\'t mean it when they said they were my friends so they couldn\'t have meant those things either. Why would she be any different? No one else was.
I\'m so desperate I can\'t bear the thought of giving up–I can\'t bear the thought of forever being completely alone, what\'s the point in existing then?–what do I have left to live for?–but if she proves to be the same as everyone who went before, I don\'t believe I have it left in me anymore to keep trying. So I don\'t know what I\'ll do. If/when she proves to be the same as the others, I hope that I just die inside. I want to just lie in my bed, not bothering to get up anymore, not caring enough to cry anymore, just giving up for good. I\'ve been wanting that for so long but for some reason it\'s never granted. Why should I keep hurting and wanting a friend so much when it\'s so obvious I\'m not meant to have one? My psychologist said it\'s just human nature to keep trying for a connection with somebody, but it makes no sense if a connection will never be forthcoming. You\'re supposed to learn how to adapt. I want so much to be one of those people who just shut down and give up and withdraw inside themselves. That would be heaven to me by now. Because I\'ve gotten absolutely nothing but heartbreak out of trying so hard. I don\'t see why God or Whoever doesn\'t just give me the ability to give up and let go of the hope that my life and work should mean something to somebody besides myself. Am I being punished for something? What?
I haven\'t even written on my story in months, seeing as nobody seems to care about me, why should they care about it. My writing was the only talent I had, all I had to live for. But nobody cares about it or me. What do I have left now?
I don\'t understand why I\'m not meant to have any friends. I know I could be a good friend to somebody who wants one. But nobody wants me. People have only ever attempted to befriend me out of some stupid misplaced pity, the hope that they can "fix" me by patting me on the shoulder and offering a few empty words of "Write to me, I\'ll listen" which are quickly negated as soon as they realize just how much help and actual FRIENDSHIP I really need. I get all kinds of people saying, "I\'m here if you need to talk," like they\'re doing me the world\'s biggest favor, like it\'s some kind of huge burden on them, they\'ll just leave all the effort of establishing communication on my shoulders and hope that I don\'t take advantage of it (and by now, I\'ve learned not to); I never get anyone saying that they\'re actually INTERESTED in me and my work (because the two are connected, nobody who has ever said they\'re just interested in ME has ever lasted long, I guess they just pitied me too and mistook it for "interest") and hope we can be friends. Just stupid meaningless pity. "I know how you feel, I\'m here if you need to talk." Bull. I don\'t NEED to talk to some stranger, I need a FRIEND to talk to. I don\'t need or want a stupid pat on the back or some empty pity from somebody who sees how lonely I am and wants to "fix" me and then move on to the next project. I want somebody who wants to be FRIENDS with me and accepts me as I am. Somebody who doesn\'t just see some pathetic person who needs fixing, but somebody who actually wants to be my friend. Everybody else has at least one. What have I done that\'s so horrible in my life that I don\'t deserve just one?
I even looked up books on loneliness at Amazon in the hopes of finding something to help me deal with never having anyone, but they\'re all about people who WANT to be alone. What about somebody who DOESN\'T want to be alone but has tried absolutely everything and just seems deemed by life to permanently be alone? What is there to teach somebody how to cope with that?
I just can\'t keep taking this anymore, but I don\'t know what I\'m going to do if/when she turns out to be exactly the same as my other "friends." My heart doesn\'t seem to know how to completely die inside. It seems I\'d have to die outside as well. If/when she forgets about me I hope that I do die because I just don\'t have any strength left to try again, and it hurts too much to keep on going.