I just need to be vent, but don't get me wrong; I'd love a reply to let me know that I'm not the worst person to have lived…
So, I still live with my parents as I am still in education, and I have a bedtime rountine, in which partly involves them. However, today they decided that this meant I was killing them – literally. My Mom and Dad both told me that my routine (saying certain words) is making them ill and killing them and that it's all my fault and that I'm the most self-centered person they know..
This has truly broken my heart and I just hate myself SO much. I want to leave, but I have no idea how. My routines are so bad right now, it would be easier to run away then to stop one, so I'm contemplating that.
It's just… I stopped another routine for them recently; there was a certain natural element of human behaviour that has always bugged me and I recently formed a very consuming routine based around it that others noticed. I stopped it for my parents after another, less brutal bedtime row about the routine to try make it better, but now they expect the world from me.
Stopping it made my nighttime one worse and they seem to think it makes it better and that I can now stop it any second…
I know they can't fully understand and I'm glad they don't; I don't want them going through this, but they're making me hate myself so much and this is bringing back my want to self harm and that's something I really don't want to start and I'm trying not to, but things like this just give me the urge as I'm just so lost and so filled with self hate.
Sometimes no matter what, others are never going to fully understand us with this illness. And we are left feeling hurt because they don't fully understand it. I can totally relate to you. Don't feel angry at yourself, but realize that people can get frustrated too. I'm sure they love you very much and want only the best for you. It is not your fault for having this illness, but you can chose to be gentle with yourself and if you like to read, the book Brain Lock is a lot of help for us with ocd. Best Wishes and Hugs!
I am so sorry you are suffering like this. I have learned that living with people who do not have OCD, is very, very stressful on both ends. I know they don't understand our disease and that is very frustrating, and it causes anger, stress and self-hate, again, on both ends. I live with my husband, who, in the begining tried to be supportive and understanding and he educated himself in every way possible about OCD (I'm a germaphobe), and he has been more than accomodating…BUT lately, he is at his wits end, and he has resulted to yelling at me, insulting me, scaring me, and things are not looking good. I know how you feel about just wanting to run away – it would take our guilt away for making our loved ones miserable, and it would get us away from the torture of people who think we can just, "snap out of it"…..it doesn't sound like either of us are in any position to run away safely or responsibily right now, so what I am doing, is avoiding any and all contact with my husband as much as possible, and I just try to survive in the same home with him until I can find a better situation. Have your parents educated themselves about OCD? Do they realize you literally cannot stop your rituals or compulsions? People who love us, need to be educated about this illness so they will realize that they cannot, yell, scare, threaten, guilt, or even love, our OCD away, so until our loved ones can understand that, it will be a hard existence for us living amongst the non-OCD sufferers. I hope you can hang in there and that things get better, but don't hate yourself. You didn't ask for this horrible disease any more than a person asks to get diabetes. Remember that, and keep trying to beat this disease.