You know, for a while this week my spirits were really up. I mean sure, everyday
I had to memorize every single license plate on my way to work. I even told me
colleage that I forgot my wallet at the 7/11 so I could go back and make sure I
didn't hit anyone. But I was reading a book, and was starting to be passionate
about starting a support group and fighting OCD. I really wanted to.

Then, yesterday, I read Imp of the Mind. I read the whole thing. When I got to
the part that said something like if you have acted omn your violent impulses
towards a human or animal you should seek help. That line, literally, send me
into a complete panic attack. My brain has not stopped since then.

"Remember when you teased your best friends dog as a kid"
"Remember when you were a little boy you threw a rock at a duck"
"Remember when you were housesittng during university and you were sometimes
mean to the dog?"

I couldn't take it last night, and I still can't take it. The facts are that I
am a 29 years old and have had this awful illness since I was 23. I am a caring,
gentle husband and father. I love my family more than anything. Teaching is what
I was born to do and I love going to work everyday.

Then there is this other part of my, called OCD. That puts a knife in my hand
and stabs a child, runs over someone, can't remember what someone said, counts
to five all the time, puts me in a jail cell to be beaten and raped by inmates.

Friends, I feel like I just can't beat this thing. Yesterday morning it was
obsessing about not remembering a dream. Now I feel like I want to confess to
any time I was ever mean to an animal and check myself in because I am
dangerous.

I just want to scream. I want someone to tell me how nice and kind I am. I want
this all to go away. I feel like I just can't deal with it anymore.

Love you all,

Donnie

 

2 Comments
  1. hekla2002 11 years ago

    I completely understand where you are coming from. Completely!!! I can be having an otherwise wonderful day, maybe a wonderful few days, and then BAM, an OCD kicker will hit me without warning. It stinks. And to have it hit you when you are reading something to try and help you, that makes it so much worse I am sure. I have had that though, reading something hoping to gain understanding or peace, and I get worse thoughts from it.

     

    We have all done things in our past that we aren't proud of. I know I have. And many, many times those moments come into my OCD head and terrorize me. But, at some point, we have to let them go and realize that we really are good people. That we don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately, this disorder allows us to trick ourselves into believing horrible things about ourselves.

     

    So, tonight I am going to tell you that you are nice and kind. That you can deal with this, because you are strong and you are a wonderful person. It won't go away unfortunately, but take solace in the fact that we are all here for you.

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  2. raider916 11 years ago

     I think most of us have done things similar to throwing a rock at a duck, or teased our friends animals…this is a natural thing when growing up, especially as a boy.  In no way does what we did then create or break who we are now though. As an adult we know what is right or wrong and know the consequences. Ive never read the book, but im pretty sure when the book refers to “acting on your voilent impulses towards a human or animal” its refering to those who CHOOSE to act on those impulses. Those who have done so, should seek help. You obviously don’t want to hurt anyone, regardless of if you think about it or not. You aren’t a bad person at all and you have complete control over your actions, but the OCD doesn’t allow you to see or feel that clearly. It uses doubt as a weapon to try and gain control that it never truly has. It cannot make you choose to pick up a knife and stab a child, or run someone over on purpose.

    It’s like the president needing 2 keys to start a nuclear war. You hold one, OCD holds the other. OCD will use violent thoughts and act like its going to use its key constantly, but it never has any power without you decide to take action and use yours. No matter what OCD tries to make you feel, you have the final word on wether you doing anything bad. You aren’t a bad person, try not to let it convince you other wise. Yeah OCD will flood you with the violent “propaganda” but its not you at heart. You are a good person, and OCD has no power to change that. I hope and pray you feel better soon.

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