You know, for a while this week my spirits were really up. I mean sure, everyday
I had to memorize every single license plate on my way to work. I even told me
colleage that I forgot my wallet at the 7/11 so I could go back and make sure I
didn't hit anyone. But I was reading a book, and was starting to be passionate
about starting a support group and fighting OCD. I really wanted to.
Then, yesterday, I read Imp of the Mind. I read the whole thing. When I got to
the part that said something like if you have acted omn your violent impulses
towards a human or animal you should seek help. That line, literally, send me
into a complete panic attack. My brain has not stopped since then.
"Remember when you teased your best friends dog as a kid"
"Remember when you were a little boy you threw a rock at a duck"
"Remember when you were housesittng during university and you were sometimes
mean to the dog?"
I couldn't take it last night, and I still can't take it. The facts are that I
am a 29 years old and have had this awful illness since I was 23. I am a caring,
gentle husband and father. I love my family more than anything. Teaching is what
I was born to do and I love going to work everyday.
Then there is this other part of my, called OCD. That puts a knife in my hand
and stabs a child, runs over someone, can't remember what someone said, counts
to five all the time, puts me in a jail cell to be beaten and raped by inmates.
Friends, I feel like I just can't beat this thing. Yesterday morning it was
obsessing about not remembering a dream. Now I feel like I want to confess to
any time I was ever mean to an animal and check myself in because I am
I just want to scream. I want someone to tell me how nice and kind I am. I want
this all to go away. I feel like I just can't deal with it anymore.
Love you all,