For all my new friends and any one else that would like to take a few seconds and read one of my intros to a chapter on a book I am working on, so please enjoy and if you have any comments or suggestions let me know….that said…here it is 

 

 

I want to be whole again:

When I die I want to feel like I am whole, a single person. Not some collection of events, or series of successes or failures. I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to have an identity that I know so well and that I am comfortable with that people who know me will say, “yea that’s Scott alright” . More importantly, an identity that I don’t question. Or that others don’t question, and second guess. HIV has made this hard. There has been many times in my life that I thought I knew who I was. And in truth I know myself pretty well. But there is something about having the dreaded AIDS that makes you question parts of your self that you thought you knew so well . Parts of yourself that until HIV has had an impact on your life that you took for granted maybe. And if you are reading this and wonder how can you take yourself granted, well it is easier than you may think. Life altering events will tend to bring out bits and pieces of you that you didn’t know where there, like courage and sacrifice maybe. And that is all well and good. But they can also shine a light on your fears and doubts and magnify them in such a way that can shatter your confidence in an instance. Give you pause as to the basic tenet of “Who am I?” As a person I used to think of myself in terms of just plain old me. I often wonder what people think of me because I have HIV. This is not just me, a lot of people with HIV and AIDS will wonder what people think of them. Although I have not changed, the perception of me to my friends and family and community has. In the best case scenario I am Scott with AIDS, unfortunate to have this disease but it is just a disease. That is indeed the best case scenario, and also a bit of a stretch. People whisper, jump to conclusions, think that you are someone else completely different because now I am one of them, an AIDS patient, “And everyone knows how they are” right. If you don’t think people think that , think again, they do! For heavens sake even I did. It’s whether or not I can let that go. Whether or not I let it tear me apart into pieces. It has a bit, HIV has fragmented my being. I want it back, my identity, my wholeness. Just one Scott. One that no matter what happens when I wake up each day, the core of me is there and unchanged.

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