Hi all.

I just want to start by saying that I'm well aware that there are people well worse off than I am, dealing with incredibly tough situations and that really makes me feel quite guilty for doing this. But I don't have people to talk to about this and I really want to be back to the way I used to be.

2 years ago I was dating a girl who really spiralled with a depressive episode and was into drugs and self harming. I cared for her deeply and tried to 'save' her as people often do.

One night I visited her after she had been to a music festival with some friends. I could tell she had taken a lot of drugs (which wasn't unusual) but she had some friends with her so I thought she was ok and I went to bed.

Sometime later when her friends had gone she took a kitchen knife and came into her bedroom where I was sleeping. I woke in pain with her on top of me pushing the knife into my chest. I didn't find out till later that she wasn't trying to kill me- I had had a mole cut from my chest a few days previously and she had decided that she was going to cut out the stitches with the knife. I'm pretty certain that the knife got stopped by my rib which was right under the stiches, otherwise it would have gone right through into my lung. Fortunately all I got was a nasty scar and bloody chest.

At the time though I thought I was going to die. I completely freaked out. That was the last time I ever saw her. Being a doctor myself I worked out pretty quickly that I was ok and calmed down. I called her mum to tell her what had happened. She begged me not to call the police and I agreed- the girl was unwell. I left the state a few weeks later and moved south. I spoke to my ex once after the accident- she was so sorry and told me that she didn't mean for it to happen. I've forgiven her but we don't keep in contact.

Two years on, I get panic attacks fairly often. I get nasty nightmares of children and women with knives attacking me and they have grotesque faces. The only place I really feel safe is at work. I'm a training surgeon. I look after people involved in trauma and it is my salvation. When I'm busy and occupied I forget about things. It's outside of work that things fall to pieces.

I'm simultaneously very lonely but very protective. I fall in love every day but feel there's nothing I can do about it. I find relationships very stressful to begin with because when I don't know someone I get overwhelming feelings of panic when I'm alone with them. Eventually I'm ok, but it's always such a stressful time to begin with and it's painful when people leave you because of it that I don't know if it's worth it anymore. When women come on to me and I don't reciprocate they think I'm strange or that I'm gay. I think I've distanced myself more because of this.

I don't tell people what happened. I don't want it to be part of me. I see people every day who are worse off than me. But I if I keep doing what I'm doing then nothing will change.