Another thing that comes to mind that triggered bad memories just by looking at it recently: at the St. Louis Galleria, looking at the site where a bookstore that I worked at(no longer there) about 12 years ago…was going through a dreadful bout of depression at THAT time too that I did somehow end up persevering through without ending up in a hospital…but still, just looking at the place where the bookstore used to be brought back horrible memories of the depression I was battling while there…wow…never really thought about how bouts of depression can have it's own way of "scarring" you no matter how far in the past it was, but obviously it can, at least with me anyway…

So I somehow managed to lose my wallet yesterday—that would make it the second wallet I have somehow managed to lose in a span of 10 days…that wallet was never found–it will probably be the same with this one…before you go thinking that I must be awfully absent-minded and irresponsible for losing my wallet twice in such a short span of time, understand that before losing the one I lost last week, best that I can recall, I had only lost one before that ever in the 20+ years that I have had one(and that one I'm almost positive was stolen)…losing my wallet last week was no reason to go into crisis mode…I had to get a new driver's license, a new ATM card…other than that, nothing much of value in there, unless you count an AMC moviewatchers card(or whatever it's called now) and a Panera Bread rewards card as valuable…oh. I did have a check for $50 in there from my sister for house/dogsitting for her and taking care of my nephew when she was out of town, but she has since written me a new one….that wallet I am about 99.9% sure wasn't stolen; it was lost somewhere between leaving my sister's house, driving back to my apartment, and entering my apartment…looked all over my apartment….went back to my sister's and retraced every single step I took between leaving her house and going out to my car… retraced every single blade of grass I walked on between my car and my apartmen…I'm telling you, that thing all but disappeared into thin air….and this one had to have too…so, again will have to get a new driver's license, new ATM card, no big deal, although the cost of getting TWO new driver's licenses in a span of two weeks will total nearly $30–not an amount to be taken lightly for someone with as limited of income as I currently have…but the worst part of losing this one?….This one had a check for $300 in it….and I have decided that as of now I REFUSE to tell the person who gave it to me that I lost it; she is someone who has been kind enough to give me some money every month or so to help me pay for my rent because the money I get from disability is really not enough to cover the cost, although I AM trying to get at least a part-time job so I can stop relying on her, and because I know she is kind of getting fed up with helping me out with this money, so I really do want to get at least a part-time job so I can stop driving myself into an anxiety-filled tizzy every month when it gets close to the date that the rent is due wondering if this will be the time when she finally decides to stop helping me…And why will I refuse to hell her about it? For a couple of reasons…the first one being that she tends to overreact to things and go semi-ballistic on me whenever I make a mistake, so I don't want the aggravation of dealing with that…and the second reason?…I've decided that losing the wallet this time–and I guess the first time as well–is a kind of "test" that life is throwing at me, because I'm telling you, there is no logical explanation for me losing wallets like this…well, okay, one logical theory that I kind of have is perhaps not getting enough sleep in recent months due to insomnia issues, OCD/ADD issues(hard to explain) is causing me not to think staight, but…I've had these sleep issues in the past and never lost my wallet during those times, so I realy don't believe that;'s the reason…again, this time–realizing it was missing only minutes after it would have happened that I lost it–I went back into my sister's house(yes, the same place where I realized the FIRST ONE was missing a little over a week ago. I was once again dogsitting for her), looked everywhere there, it was nowhere to be found…So I'm seeing it as a test: life or God or whatever is testing my ability to handle additional adversity in the form of that I will have to scrap by on somewhere around $200 for 10 days(might actually not sound so hard to some people, but this will mean that I won't be able to pay a couple of bills that I have actually been paying in a timely manner, among other things)until my next disability check is due to arriv, and this time–and from now on–it's going to be $100 less than the amount I normally get because they are now going to deduct $100 each month out of my check for either Medicare or Medicaid(I get them both confused) that I have automatically become eligible for starting next month…I have been through this kind of test before–with even less money covering an even bigger timespan I'm pretty sure–I can endure it again….yeah, I could make things a lot easier on me if I would just the person that I lost the check so she could write me a new one(and yes, I realize you're thinking that I should tell her anyway just in case someone stole the wallet so she can cancel it before they attempt to cash it, but not need; I am 100% convinced it wasn't stolen), but,,,I also see it as this test might be a neccesary one for me to go through….why?…Because, as I said before, she could decide at anytime that she's going to stop helping me with this financial assistance even before I might get a part-time job; if she does, this is the kind of adversity I am going to have to get used to down the road anyway….so I see this as kind of a "preview" of that dreadful scenario possibly occuring in the months to come….So I can forget about doing anything "fun" or enjoyable in the next 10 days, such as going to see a movie(won't be able to afford it) or visiting with some of my best friends(won't be able to afford the gas it costs to go see them)–yeah, one might think that those shouldn't be priorities anyway, but I truly see doing these things as being vital to my mental health….oh, SLIGHT possibility that maybe I accidentally left it at grocery store that I went to late the night before wallet went missing this time, but I doubt it; I'm practically obsessive-compulsive when it comes to making sure I have my wallet just before I get into my car, but I'll check with the grocery store today anyway….

Wow…a whole blog about losing a wallet???…twow, what a thrill it must have been to have read this…apologies to anyone who might have read this and didn't think that it was. (To be continued)

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