it's been a hard night/early morning.

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first, I fucked up big time. I ate something finally (it was just a small apple and a light and fit greek yogurt- 140 cals total)

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but I felt EXTREMELY guilty….and (God I haven't done this since this past July…) I purged, big time. for an hour and a half until I was sure it was gone.

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and I've been exercising since to make sure I burned whatever I did absorb. I feel disgusting, my throat hurts, I had to clean up my bathroom and wash away the smell of vomit.

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Last night the cutting was bad to. soaked my shirt. I'm not doing well at all. I just want to die. and at this rate maybe I will.

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I can't take this anymore. I want to cry all the time but I have no tears left, everything is drained and dry.

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I left the gym in tears yesterday (I was surprised I had any) but I just felt so worthless and ahuge waste of space.

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ESPECIALLY, when I saw my ex-trainer (at this point) with a cilent, when she told my mom her promotion was such a big one she wasn't even in wellness anymore and was so busy she couldn't keep cilents.

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Now I know she just didn't want to train me, because obviously she made time for that women she's still seeing.

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it was lies, everything she told me, that I deserved 'better' or that I was her 'favorite' bullshit.

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my friend, Kim, left a sweet message on my timeline on facebook, I felt special and it made me happy for a moment. but I saw then that she also posted on a few other people's fb page.

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it wasn't the same message, but it took away that feeling. and led me not to believe what she said.

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i'm so tired. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore.

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Nothing is worth this.