Thank you so much for all the comments on my last blog, so glad other people know what it feels like to have a war going on in your head. A civil war maybe, us against ourselves.
Today and the last few days have been better anxiety-wise. Its hard though, not letting little things set me off or trigger a chain of corrupt thoughts with great potential to ruin my mood and my boyfriends day. Sometimes I feel as if I have separation anxiety as well as generalized anxiety. Most of the time I cant go out at night because I get up at 4 AM five days a week for work, so when he gets to go out it makes me extremely depressed and moody and ruins my night. Lately its been so bad that he thinks I dont care, among other things. In my mind, the problem is that I care too much. Its a good thing that he gets to go out with friends, but I hate the way it makes me feel. Abandoned, lonely, hurt, depressed, panicky, nervous and anxious. Of course, all of this due to distortions my mind comes up with to keep me entertained for the night.
Maybe its just boredom. We have Netflix on his Xbox 360 so there are always movies and shows to watch, but I dont like to sit and watch shows or movies for that long, especially when its just me and the cat and nothing else to do. I usually start a cycle that involves: playing online, watch a little bit of a show, go outside and smoke a cigarette, read some of a book, and all of this usually repeats until I go to bed. And my morning is ruined if I wake up and he hasnt come back yet. I didnt used to be like this.
These situations make me feel bitter and resentful towards him for something bad that he hasnt done. They make me angry and often cause me to be hurtful towards him. It usually ends with him getting upset, mostly because he'd already been trying hard to make me feel better about not being able to go out, and then I feel like a horrible person.
I want this to stop. I didnt used to be this bitter, resentful, angry, mean person. Its not all the time, its usually when he goes out or has to leave me alone. I feel completely selfish and rude, my anxiety used to be as "simple" as worrisome thoughts and panic attacks when I was younger. I never would have thought it would come to all these different feelings, thought patterns, distortions, attitudes. I can barely have a conversation anymore without my mind clinging to one sentence and then torturing me with it.
Someone tell me, does counseling help? Ive been looking around and there seem to be a lot here in Tampa, the problem with me is money. It will be extremely hard for to be able to afford some type of counseling without a struggle, but if it would help me, maybe its worth it.
Today was a good day, except for one low point that eventually balanced back out. Along with counseling, maybe I should try to meet more people and find a few new hobbies, certainly that could help. So much easier said than done though.
