So last night was nothing but another episode of self loathing and self destruction. I was doing fine until something in me just collapsed, I could feel it. Like a building. I fell and knew it was coming and was powerless to stop it because by the time I felt myself loosing control it was too late. I’m so afraid that everything I do is just destroying everything I’ve worked so hard to have and keep. I couldn’t sleep and was tossing and turning and my bf kept asking me what was wrong. I was so afraid to tell him but he was getting more and more frustrated with me that I just gave up and gave in to it. I told him that I felt depressed, anxious for today, that I felt worried we were falling into some ‘friendship’ other then relationship. I am afraid that we will become just roommates. We’ve been living together for almost a year now and I’m just freaked out that things will loose their glimmer, their appeal. That I will no longer be that person that he wants to be with. People always leave me and even though he says that he’s not he doesn’t understand. I know he thinks I’m being overdramatic and paranoid, which I probably am to a degree, but he doesn’t know what’s happened to me…the people that were supposed to be there forever that have walked away or worse, screwed me over first and then left. I’m afraid that I’ve given him my everything and one day I’ll be left with nothing. I asked if he ever gets worried or scared but he says he’s not. Does that mean that he just isn’t telling me because he doesn’t want to freak me out or does he really not have any fears like that. I feel that is almost unrealistic. I wouldn’t know what it was like to live with out a constant fear. So do normal people not fear things like that…is this just me? I’m still shook up and depressed today, my eyes hurt from crying as I fell asleep, I’m tired and I have my interview today and I’m scared to death of that as well. I want this so bad and if I don’t get it then I feel like yet again I’m let down and I am stuck here at this crappy job. I want more. I want respect and I don’t think it’s much to ask for.