OMG, my book’s spine has a crack in it. I know that sounds like nothing, I mean, it’s just a book and spines crack on some of them. But I hate it, I can’t stand it. I have five books from the series I’m currently reading. I’m on the third. And its spine is CRACKING! The others look so perfect…

This sort of behavior makes me feel like I have OCD some days. I mean, I really can’t stand it, it makes my skin crawl. I fidget. I haven’t even touched my book since I realized it was cracking.

I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but a lot of things are sort of happening at once here. Ever since I started dating my boyfriend, I’ve gotten worse…well, actually, it’s just highlighted what’s been wrong with me for a long time that I’ve hidden. And now he’s researching stuff, trying to figure out what might be wrong, because he worries about me, about how angry and insecure and depressed and obsessive I am. So am I.

So far, he’s mentioned Avoidant Personality Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder. Now, I’m not the type to make crap up nor am I the type to run to meds. I’d rather take care of myself naturally, actually. But when i read up on those two disorders, I started to cry. They sound a lot like me. And it’s not a recent development. Even before my boyfriend came along, I disliked men. My Dad has always been really…mean. He’s cheated and he drank a lot. So I used to promise myself that I wouldn’t date until after college, until after I could support myself. I was also anti marriage at just 15 years of age.

By the time my boyfriend came onto the scene, I was a cold and distant mess. I’d struggled with eating issues (I won’t say disorder because I feel like that’s just a cry for attention, I was never diagnosed and I quit after I left high school) and was friendless. It took him over a year to break me. He kept pushing for me to trust him, coaxing me to talk, to open up. I remember breaking down and telling him things that I’d held in for years. I cried for a long time over it.

I’ve always had anger issues. And I’ve always been stressed out. I’ve been grinding my teeth for years. I fear judgement, I fear not being good enough. I’m so insecure that if someone is better than me at something, I quit before I even start. It’s been kind of extreme for a while too which is why my boyfriend has begun researching my problems just to try and figure out what may be wrong. No worries though, he knows he can’t diagnose me, he’s just interested in it (he’s thinking of becoming a Pharmacist, he likes looking up med info) and wants to help.

So when I go back to school, I think I’ll need to see a therapist. But I’m afraid to tell them about my Dad.

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