Feelings ig:
I do not know how death can affect the people that knows me. I do not know how death will affect the people I care about. All I want to do is just slip away until my life is just over and someone else fills that little hole in people’s hearts. I use to pray for god to make my life better but now all I do is pray he never wakes me up in the morning. Then when he does I get so angry and frustrated. “God isn’t finish with you” I’ve heard that so many times. Maybe I have no more faith in life, God, friends, family. I do not want my life to only be pain the only happiness I have is Daylin (boyfriend). But I can’t even see him whenever I want even though it’s a 20 minute walk from our places. I already planned not live to see my next birthday, April 26th. Selfish right? Only thinking about myself and not others? All my life I’ve been thinking and caring for others. When is it my turn to focus on me? Why can’t I do this for me?! I want to be happy for real, for a whole day please just to feel nothing. No pain, no anger, no disappointment, no tears. I want to feel nothing for good. I hate not being the perfect daughter. I hate not being the successful sister. I hate being the bitchy girlfriend with a whole bunch of issues. I hate being the invisible friend. Walking on a sidewalk I am the friend who has no room and has to walk behind. I’m the friend everyone calls when everybody else cancels. I’m the friend people come to, to rant about their feelings but as soon as my feelings are brought up everything is a joke and then I am just “dramatic”. I’m to nice to people and it drives me insane how much I DO NOT MATTER. Let me matter to someone I am not asking God to send a whole community to come praise me. I am asking to take my life away before I take it myself. 55 days, if it isn’t done by then.
As I read this I am reminded so much of myself. I’ve shared similar feelings. Although the feelings that you have are yours and yours alone to feel, you are not alone. You do matter, even if its just to me; a complete stranger with nothing for gratitude for what you have written. I recently heard something in regards to taking ones own life, something which made me stop and think for a moment. There was a guy who was in a program so he had what you call a sponsor. He said to his sponsor “I’m going to kill myself, I’m done with all of this” and his Sponsor replied ” how can you kill someone you do not know?” For myself, up to this point in my life, I have know the addict, the pain, the hurt, death of friends, anger for my own health and strength. But I have yet to know who I really am. The source of most of my suicidal thoughts were evoked mostly from my lost sense of purpose. Today I’m still not sure what that is but in all that’s what’s keeping me here, to find out what my purpose is on this tiny rock. Your feelings are valid, You are loved even if only by this stranger named Nick. I hope to read a blog from you in 60 days, I enjoy reading what you write. You make me feel a little less lonely in this world.
I am so thankful for this comment!
me and you have the same feelings