Sorry I haven't been on much, everyone. I've been dealing with a lot of crap and just haven't been online much. I'm not avoiding or ignoring anyone.

So, my birthday was yesterday.

It was fun. I went out and had dinner and cruised the mall a bit. My mom actually brought me some ballons and a cake, which was nice because usually nothing at all happens on my birthday. I get the stray, 'Happy Birthday' from a few people in my family and then that's it.

I went to dinner at Red Lobster, which was fun. I haven't been there in years. Last time was about 5 years ago, so a really long time. I had the nicest waiter and he was very attentive. I had some crab linguni alfredo and I couldn't finish it all, there was too much. Anyway, I didn't freak out or have a panic attack, which was great.

Then, came the dreaded cruise of the mall. I really don't know why I go to malls because they always give me a panic attack. Plus, it's just a lonely experience to see everyone hanging out with each other and happily cruising the mall while I have no one close enough to even ask to go to the mall with me. Needless to say, I lasted about twenty minutes and left because I could feel an attack coming on and just wanted to cry. Malls make me that lonely and sad, yes.

But, now, that I'm 21, I feel I need to get out even more and try to stay out even if I feel like just turning and going right back home. I also need to stop being so afraid to talk to people. I get online and I talk to people and get into, but in life, I just clam up and have nothing to say, which makes people think I'm shy, annoyed with them, stuck up, or something. I'm seriously getting too old for this crap. It's bugging the hell out of me and usually if something bugs me, I do something about it. Plus, life is lonely and boring when you have no one to share it with, i.e. friends or a boyfriend or someone. Not saying internet friends aren't friends, but you also need someone to be able to go places with and invite over or go to their place and hang out. My friend, who I met almost two months ago, unfortunately lives too far away. He and I do both have social anxiety and have a good bit in common and it makes me so upset that we can't get together and hang out. It makes me realize I need friends here, where I am. So, I am on a new mission to go out and be social, even if it kills me.

Hopefully, I'll be 'ON' once again.