Today I continued to work on these candy xmas trees. They are fiddily, but very good at taking your mind off of everything bad. It takes about an hour per tree, and in the last two days i have made two.

After writing my blog yesterday, i have been feeling worse. Just knowing that i even slipped a little bit, and let my defenses down scares me. i have keept this secret inside me for soo long, and just to even think about saying what happened makes me feel sick.  I hope that one day, i will be strong enought to talk about the things that bother me most. The people that know me well, know bits about me, and it makes me angry that i can’t even get the courage to talk about these things to them. Its soo painful to talk about, and i know i that when i do talk about it, i will be seen as a horrible person, and will most likely loose my friends. Sooo i just sit here, trying to deal with it. Trying to forgive myself, but knowing that i will never be able to.

Soo on other news.. i got alot of christmas shopping done yesterday. My sister got me the new britney spears CD, yet she wont let me actually let me listen to it until xmas. How bloody rude i say. I got something for my mum, even tho we don’t have a good relationship, but ohh well. I was thinking i had to get something for my dad, yet again we don’t have a good relationship. I feel like that with alot of my family. How does that saying go, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family? something like that anyways.

I’m really not looking forward to christmas this year, and i think that this year is the first year that i have really felt like this. I think alot of it, still comes from my family tip toeing around my hospitalization. I still find it wierd to talk to alot of them, so being in a house full of my close family, is somewhat of a daunting prospect.  This year has been such a crazy year i really can’t wait for it to be over. Yet i don’t think that everything will dissaper on the 1st January 2009, yet one can hope right?

On other news again.. i am really tring to quit the drinking. Its soo incredibly hard, and i just hope that i will be strong enough to keep it up. Drinking has become such a part of me. Such a way to cope, so without it i kind of feel lost.  I have been feeling very sick, tired, and in pain, yet i know that i need this. I really don’t think i am strong enough, but what the hell, you have to start somewhere right? I think thats another reason why i’m scared of christmas this year, cause everyone drinks on christmas and new year, so its going to be alot harder to keep sober.

I watched the Sex And The City movie yesterday for the first time. I wasn’t really a big fan of the show so i wasn’t really going to go out of my way to watch it, and actually i was pleastly surprised. I’m glad that Big and Carrie got together in the end, i knew they would! I have watched a few movies over the last few days, I seen , The new Narnia movie Prince Caspian, and i thought that was excellent. I seen the Love Guru, which would have been soo much worse if it didn’t have Justin Timberlake *Jacques "le Coq" Grande*!! omg soo funny.. The rest of the movie was dull except for when he was on the screen!!! I also seen this Move called "Pathology", it was a very gory movie, about these Pathologists made a game of killing people. Mind you when this movie was on i was more interested in the people fighting in the street down from my house. THATS how good it was. I got Get Smart today… thats another one that i have been kind of avoiding, as just a MASSIVE fan of the series, i was kind of scared that it would be a dissapointment… I haven’t watched it yet, so i’ll let you know.

So to summerise this blog, Candy xmas trees, Secrets a fears, Christmas SUCKS, Drinking, Movies… just another day in my life….

2 Comments
  1. NikkiMarie 13 years ago

    Jaci huny….i know that you think you will lose all your friends and they will all hate you if you tell the truth but I am here to the end…I promise. No matter what you say, what you do, I am still gonna love you. My stepmom once told me "I don”t have to like every choice you make, but I still get to love you." That applies to you too, Jaci. I may not agree or like the things you have done, but I will always love you and be there to be your support and your shoulder to cry on. Always huny, I promise. And I don”t make promises I”m not gonna keep.

    Love you, Nikki

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  2. tinyrachie 13 years ago

    Jac how have I managed to not catch you online?! I  haven”t seen you for days now and its just horrid. I admit to being quite worried about you right now. But seems like you”re still trooping along even if not happy about it.

    As for the past. Thats what it is. The past. Everyone has some kind of skelton in their closet they don”t want to admit to and we all probably think they”re equally bad. Hence. Forget about the past. It made you who you are; but other than that it is nothing and it can sit in the past. YOU determine what happens from now on.

    As for the drinking thing. I have no expereince with such so I cannot advise; however both Beth and Mike say i can provide comedic relief o.O  So we need to actualyl arrange a time to get online together.

    I admit from the 14th -27th I probably won”t be online much seeing as I will be heading home. Many people I need to meet up with for various social thingies which I”m not really looking forwards to. But hopefully will manage to catch all the important people sometimes. I will do my best to be here for you hun. Keep trooping along! Life sucks but we can make it better.

    Lots of love.

    Rachie

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