Today I continued to work on these candy xmas trees. They are fiddily, but very good at taking your mind off of everything bad. It takes about an hour per tree, and in the last two days i have made two.

After writing my blog yesterday, i have been feeling worse. Just knowing that i even slipped a little bit, and let my defenses down scares me. i have keept this secret inside me for soo long, and just to even think about saying what happened makes me feel sick.  I hope that one day, i will be strong enought to talk about the things that bother me most. The people that know me well, know bits about me, and it makes me angry that i can’t even get the courage to talk about these things to them. Its soo painful to talk about, and i know i that when i do talk about it, i will be seen as a horrible person, and will most likely loose my friends. Sooo i just sit here, trying to deal with it. Trying to forgive myself, but knowing that i will never be able to.

Soo on other news.. i got alot of christmas shopping done yesterday. My sister got me the new britney spears CD, yet she wont let me actually let me listen to it until xmas. How bloody rude i say. I got something for my mum, even tho we don’t have a good relationship, but ohh well. I was thinking i had to get something for my dad, yet again we don’t have a good relationship. I feel like that with alot of my family. How does that saying go, you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family? something like that anyways.

I’m really not looking forward to christmas this year, and i think that this year is the first year that i have really felt like this. I think alot of it, still comes from my family tip toeing around my hospitalization. I still find it wierd to talk to alot of them, so being in a house full of my close family, is somewhat of a daunting prospect.  This year has been such a crazy year i really can’t wait for it to be over. Yet i don’t think that everything will dissaper on the 1st January 2009, yet one can hope right?

On other news again.. i am really tring to quit the drinking. Its soo incredibly hard, and i just hope that i will be strong enough to keep it up. Drinking has become such a part of me. Such a way to cope, so without it i kind of feel lost.  I have been feeling very sick, tired, and in pain, yet i know that i need this. I really don’t think i am strong enough, but what the hell, you have to start somewhere right? I think thats another reason why i’m scared of christmas this year, cause everyone drinks on christmas and new year, so its going to be alot harder to keep sober.

I watched the Sex And The City movie yesterday for the first time. I wasn’t really a big fan of the show so i wasn’t really going to go out of my way to watch it, and actually i was pleastly surprised. I’m glad that Big and Carrie got together in the end, i knew they would! I have watched a few movies over the last few days, I seen , The new Narnia movie Prince Caspian, and i thought that was excellent. I seen the Love Guru, which would have been soo much worse if it didn’t have Justin Timberlake *Jacques "le Coq" Grande*!! omg soo funny.. The rest of the movie was dull except for when he was on the screen!!! I also seen this Move called "Pathology", it was a very gory movie, about these Pathologists made a game of killing people. Mind you when this movie was on i was more interested in the people fighting in the street down from my house. THATS how good it was. I got Get Smart today… thats another one that i have been kind of avoiding, as just a MASSIVE fan of the series, i was kind of scared that it would be a dissapointment… I haven’t watched it yet, so i’ll let you know.

So to summerise this blog, Candy xmas trees, Secrets a fears, Christmas SUCKS, Drinking, Movies… just another day in my life….