what a strange week it has turned out to be. Just full of emotional ups and downs and inbetweens. Its been a very hard week, and some recent events have just made it all soo much harder.
I have been coming online to DT, and finding none of the people i concidered friends being on there. I don’t know whats happening. I feel like i’m loosing everyone. I know i’m not, but its just that feeling of solitude that makes things soo much more harder to survive the day. Maybe i’m being selfish. Probably, who knows. Of maybe its just bad timining? could be that to. I kinda feel like my head has a million and one things going through it.
Ok so i need to talk about something, that i havn’t talked about to anyone, but i feel as though if i don’t get it out, i’m going to burst. Soo here goes.. .. wow this is hard… when i was in the Psych ward a few months ago, my aunt (well no longer my aunt as she as now divorsed my blood uncle) was there. We have never really had a close relationship. Thats not so say that I don’t like her. I have been to her house many many times. The problem is that she always talks bad about my uncle.. anyways i’m getting of track.. So during our stay at the hospital, her boyfried (we’ll call him X) would come in everyday and talk to her and me. We had met before, a few times and we all ways got on like a house on fire, same interests ect ect.. so during my time there, we exchanged numbers, for the sake of keeping in touch. We would send each other txt messages, in fun, and pretty sexual. My aunt knew about the txt and it was all a big joke.
Now heres where things get interesting (please bear with me) so after a few weeks out of the hospital,. my aunt and X moved to Mainland australia to live. We continued to txt back and forward. Then it got to a point where he confessed his love for me. He said that he wants to leave my aunt for me. The problem being i have feeling for him too. The chemistry was electric from day one. Now we have continuted in our converstations, in secret, as we can’t let anyone in the family know what has been going on. We are not "together" or anything like that, as i refuse to be "the other woman". He is saying that he wants us to be together no matter what, and he will be leaving my aunt. I’m soo worried that after everything has happened, my aunt will hate me forever, she will i know she will, i would hate me.
I find it soo hard to give up love. No one has said the love me, the way that he does. It makes me feel soo good. Like no one ever has before. I’m so torn in what i should do. Should i give up what could be my chance at true love? or just back off and do nothing. Either way i’m not going to do anything until he has left her. I can’t. I refuse to do anything until that moment.
So thats that big issue out of the way, i really needed to say that.
While i’m talking about confessions, There is something else i need to talk about, but it is soo horrific and DISCUSTING, and PUNISHABLE By JAIL… it happened many many years ago. I did something so awful, and it eats at me every day. Every day i think about it. Everday i wonder if this will be the day I have the police at my door? EVERYDAY.. yes i was only young, but this should have never had happened. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just hope that one day i can be forgiven for what i have done. Though what I did is unforgivable….. I wonder every day, does She remember what happened? Does He? Does anyone? appart from me…… I’m a horrible person.. and i will never forgive myself..
Ugh.. i can’t belive i said that.. and i didn’t even say anything.. maybe one day i might be able to talk about it more..
sigh.. well thanks for reading, if you do..
Peace and love to everyone.. Jacqui.