So for the last 3 years, I have maintained this amazing website on Blogger that's basically an online directory for survivors of sexual violence, DV, child abuse. It's huge and has about 3,000 links to resources, online support groups, individual websites and information/articles.

I last updated it around November and December 2007 and I've been hesitantly starting that process once again lately. But, wow. I am so overwhelmed by it. What on Earth has changed since the fall of last year? Where is my seemingly tireless willingness?

I am in over my head.

At the same time, just going through the first page, it turns out, sadly, that a number of great organizations for different survivors have lost funding or simply shut down with no clue why. Although that's certainly discouraging and a drag, it also means that "In Bloom" (my project) is even more vital.

Now is not the time for self-pity. I need to cowboy up and stop freaking out and do the work. I mean, I created it to be as large and extensive as it is to cover the survivor experience as inclusvely as possible.

I think maybe one thing going on is just that since creating and maintaing In Bloom (named after the Nirvana song), the process of that has really enabled me to get educated about my own experience as a survivor, an addict, someone who is living with consequences from violence. In doing that, my world has really opened up and become full because I live in far less fear and rage and mistrust, take much healthier risks now.

So as a result of not living in my head as much, I've become incredibly involved and this was my personal hope for my own recovery. Yay!

In that sense, my being overwhelmed is because of the love and respect of both the Fellowship and the Steps and it's a good sign.

Still, it leaves me in a bind. I guess it's time to talk to my sponsor in NA and try to find a realistic solution.