writing again because it hurts so bad. i can’t sleep, i can’t cry, i don’t want to live through this anymore. i don’t want to be around people and pretend like its okay. i want someone to let it be okay. i want to dissapear. i feel like i will never be clean again. i can’t handle all this and i just want to stop. i want my mother, but at the same time i dont because she cannot make things better and i can’t tell her what’s wrong. i don’t see anymore solutions and im so miserable it just feels like tourture.

i want someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay. i want someone to accept me and not judge me. i want to go through my days not feeling like i am fighting just to be respected, liked, not ignored. im not important to anyne and im sick of it. im not important to myself anymore. i cant do anything, i feel like i can’t make this work and id rather die than fail, i dont know where to turn and i have noone to turn to. i want to feel normal so bad, i don’t know how to numb the pain, i don’t know how to stop this agony and tourture ive been puttting myself through. i thought i could fix my life after the depression and dropping out last year, but i cant, i can’t make things normal. nothing is safe anymore and i just want to dissapear. i dont want to wake up tommorrow and force myself to go on. i don’t want to pretend everything is ok, because……i feel like a failure, like trash that can’t put things together. all i want is to feel okay, to feel accepted, and i don’t know what ive done to deserve this.