i’ve been feeling pretty beat up lately. the things that are helping me get through the day are the visits with my family, the thought of making an appointment with the behavioral therapist on monday, the thought of making an appointment with the psychiatrist on monday, and school. days lately seem to feel like months weeks years. although i only had to wait 21/2 to 3 weeks to see my emotional therapist rather than a month to just over a month. it honestly seemed longer than waiting a whole month. it felt like years when i went to her office yesterday. i’m trying to stay positive but it is been getting harder and harder to stay positive. but i am trying. i’m looking forward to monday when i can make my appointments its my little lanturn right now and i’m focusing all my attention on that. depression is starting to sink in and with that a fear that i am driving off my friends and potential friends even on here this support site. its not ocd that drives that fear but rather past experiences. i’ve never been good with people long term how i am drives them away. i have a few long term friends but not many. i treasure their friendship dearly. i don’t mean to be whiny or depressing i try not to be. but when people say i am whining or being negative i am very confused as to why they say that. so i bottle everything up and hide it. even on here. even though i feel like part of me is dead or asleep. i live by myself and i am single because i am terrible with people. i got out of a bad relationship that was i feel at least half my fault, but for some reason i’m terrified to get back into another one partly because i am afraid to get hurt and partly i’m afriad i’m going to screw up again. i am afraid to make friends long term because i fear i will drive them off by accident. geez i feel terrible i feel like i am doing nothing but complain! and i am upset with myself for it. i am debating whether or not to post this blog. because i feel like i am fishing for reassurance which is not what i am trying to do. i think. i don’t know anymore. nothing seems to make sense anymore. i spend so much time in tears these days and i long for the days where i used to smile and laugh and have fun. i want those days back but i know i have to seize them and i am working on it. but it is not coming fast enough for me but i am patient i want those happy days back so bad i will wait and work hard with my own two hands to get them back. i dunno maybe i am a whiny 22 year old brat, maybe i do lean on people too much, maybe i do act younger than i really am. i don’t know maybe it is the depression talking, maybe its my own insercurities, i don’t know i am tired of trying to find the answers to my questions and either not find them, find the wrong answer, or find more questions. i would like someone to tell me the answer but no one is because no one can. and besides that, that is just selfish and i don’t want to be selfish i don’t want to be negative. i dunno. i am going to post this i dunno know why but i am. nothing seems to make sense anymore. sorry for being depressing……. i know this is a support site, but i still feel the need to appologize because i am scared i am going to lose people and i will be all alone. stupid huh?